Once I heard a guy who climbed Everest say he did it, “Because it was there” and I just feel like the reason for undertaking one of the most strenuous feats in human existence should be different than the reason I ate an entire gallon of ice cream.
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Reached the age where I have to do like 150 healthy things every day just so it doesn’t hurt when I burp.
Me: what do you want for dinner?
3yo: nothing.
Me: you want cheese on that nothing?
3yo: yes please.
Try explaining to your kid why you’re taking a bath with a cucumber then come talk to me about your problems.
One time I was out with a guy and he needed new jeans so he opened up maps and just typed in “pants”
My girlfriend is pissed that I just matched with her on Tinder.
cat lawyer slowly pushing the opposing lawyer’s evidence off the courtroom table
No one will question your alcoholism if you always propose a toast before drinking.
I had a cat called key key meow so I am willing to help name your baby just ask
Nut allergies are proof that trees are taking their revenge after generations of us stealing their young.
guys I’m going home
for some *ridiculous* reason the french love to translate movie titles from english to… english
here’s a thread with my all-time favorites, starting with “the hangover”
…i mean VERY BAD TRIP
I still don’t unmute myself often on group calls at work, but my comically overt nodding game has never been stronger.
Day 3 of my thirty minute DIY project
They stopped making ghosts just after the civil war. You’ll never see a ghost with a man bun or hitting a juul
I’m as hard to open up as a grocery store produce bag.
Sitting in a restaurant, a girl walked in and yelled SOMEONE DECIDED TO MARRY ME *twirls and air kicks* then walked out
Tried to impress her by making martinis but got my hand stuck in the olive jar
Friend gave me a ‘stress’ ball to squeeze when I’m tense. Did what I always do when nervous, I ate it.
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
Him: I just poured out 16.9 ounces for my homie.
Her: Just say you filled the dog’s water bowl.
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
LinkedIn is the best dating app because you know whether your potential love knows how to use Microsoft Excel.
Whenever I meet a new baby, I stand still and let it come up to me and smell my hand first before I try to pet it
me: hmm…that’s a real head-scratcher…I don’t know there are significant pros and cons to each choice…maybe I should make a spreadsheet and do a cost analysis…
netflix, impatiently: dude, just pick something already
*calls male escort service*
Whispers “How much for… you know… someone to go to Red Lobster with me.”
this guy on tiktok rated emergency alarm sounds from different countries and there’s no reason it should be this funny 💀
I may be getting old but not “doesn’t know what day of the week it is” old. I can tell by which day I open on my daily pill organizer.
I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
I never lose followers during a bot purge. my followers are real people with real accounts who are either dead or left twitter years ago
Me: the enemy of my enemy is my friend
Enemy of my enemy: no, i don’t like you either