70% of playing catch with my boys is just them waiting until I yawn to chuck the ball directly at my face.
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WARNING: Local youths in the park are asking passers-by to audition for the remake of Aquaman. DON’T DO IT. They filmed my audition and posted it on youtube under the title, “We tricked this guy to climb into the park fountain”. I AM 99% SURE THEY ARE NOT REAL HOLLYWOOD PRODUCERS
FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.
Doctors say we need a bedtime ritual. Mine is replaying awkward moments from the day and obsessing on them for maximum sleep interruption.
My house is like an Indiana Jones movie.
Partly because I walk around with a bullwhip, but mostly because of all the cobwebs.
Standing in line at the grocery store. Lady behind me says “you can move up and stand on that X on the floor”
I politely said “No, I’ve seen far too many Road Runner cartoons to fall for that”
Blues songs are about being sad, which is why so many of them begin with “I woke up this morning.”
What doesn’t kill you probably tried, saw your tweets, and felt bad for you
WHAT I SAID:
Woah! You look like Tina Turner on meth.WHAT I SHOULD’VE SAID:
Good Morning Honey.
“DIDN’T THE KIDS JUST HAVE A DAY OFF SCHOOL LAST MONTH!?!”
~A parent’s memoir.
British people be like I’m Bri ish
on a date with a guy who’s been fired from 3 different bowling alleys
The first million people to send me $1.00 will get a copy of my guide on how to become a millionaire on Twitter.
It doesn’t require opening the fridge door three times if you’re really hungry, you’ll find what you want the first time.
me: *blows a raspberry*
raspberry: ah yea baby
Preparing myself for a post apocalyptic wasteland by learning how to sleep without the TV on
Quit college. Become an oven. Get up to like 500 degrees.
Him: I think we should see other people
Me: *eating a cheese ball like an apple* why
Everyone “I learned a lesson ”
Me: “Imma do it again!”
Adulting, but it’s just me reminding my kid every day which grown-up words he shouldn’t say in kindergarten
I still don’t unmute myself often on group calls at work, but my comically overt nodding game has never been stronger.
hey sorry I missed your text, I am processing a non-stop 24/7 onslaught of information with a brain designed to eat berries in a cave.
I hope 2016 doesn’t get renewed. The plot is ridiculous and none of the characters are likable.
I’m like Princess Peach in the way that I’m useless in a dress.
it’s crazy you can’t just go to prison. if you want to get in there, you have to rob a gas station there’s no other way
It still hurts that my parents never came to any of my violin recitals. I never bought their flimsy excuses, like “You’ve never had any lessons” and “You don’t even have a violin” and “That’s a banjo and a stick.”
[seeing anyone after googling something you didn’t know five minutes ago]: hello you ignorant piece of shit
#OscarsWeNeed Achievement in Misleading Trailers
My boyfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of his Honda Civic. I refused. If I’m going to have sex, it’s going to be on my own Accord.
Bakery worker: Can I get you something?
Me: [staring at case full of pies] No thanks, I’m just window eating.
me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up
my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass