[Congress]
MARK ZUCKERBERG: if you do not harvest your crops in a timely manner on Farmville they will die, I cannot stress this enough
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My Uber driver just told me that he’s been doing a lot of pick ups/drop offs at ER’s and Urgent Care, so, goodbye.
Anxiety causes your body to store fat so that’s one more thing to be anxious about.
My kid told me an “old dead girl” lives in her room and whispers to her at night. I hope they get along cuz I’m never going in there again.
Sometimes I’ll be staring at my phone for a few minutes and be like “what was it I was doing” then I’ll be like “oh yeah I’m driving a car”
There should be a tv game show where couples have to scroll through every streaming service looking for something they both want to watch and if time runs out, they get divorced.
What did I do before Twitter? Well, there’s my family and……OH MY GOD WHERE’S MY FAMILY?!?!
[ER visits, by age]
Doctor: How did this happen?
Me at 24: I was trying to dunk a basketball.
Me now: I was reaching for my glasses.
SOME OF MY FRIES WERE TOO SHORT TO COMFORTABLY DIP IN MY KETCHUP AGAIN WHY ME LORD
I’m leaving half to the dog for eating what I make & half to the Roomba for cleaning up when I tell it to. Forget the kids.
Imagine the trouble she has trying to introduce herself in France.
Without background music, it’s really hard to know which emotions I’m supposed to be faking.
I just accidentally ordered a $300 bottle of wine on this cruise and now my wife is thinking of throwing me overboa
*ironically creates weapon from olive branch*
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
Nobody shoots annoying people into the sun anymore and that’s why there are so many of them left on earth
[Watching the news]
This is all wrong, villains are supposed to be fictional characters.
I wish No More Tangles shampoo would work on Christmas lights.
A REAL CONVERSATION I HEARD BETWEEN TWO GROWN MEN AT TIRES PLUS:
Man #1: *getting ready to pay* Is it a swipey swipe
Man #2: No it’s a chippy chip
I’m sexually attracted to the glass sections of a house.
French windows?
No but I’ve snogged patio doors.
“Great choice. California is known for its chickens.”
– me, trying to impress a date who ordered the California Chicken Salad
Whoever said ‘carbs are not your friend’ does not understand how friendship works.
Hey, did you guys know you can do just about anything if you use asterisks?
*rides T-Rex off into the sunset*
Do I want to change career and uproot my entire life or is it just 6pm on a Sunday
Maybe if Red Bull gave me buffalo wings i’d give a shit.
Whenever I’m at home drinking alone with my dog, I tell people I’m drinking with my dawg, so it sounds like I’m drinking with my cool friend
Outside is where I can see all the leg hair I missed when shaving so maybe I should be shaving my legs outside.
My friend went to a salon and asked them to straighten his hair. So they took out his highlights.
My husband pissed me off so I recalibrated the bathroom scale and added 10 pounds to the reading.
[After sitting for a portrait for 18 hours] Where’s the artist?
It’s perfectly normal to shave your legs just from the top of your boots to the hem of your dress, right?