Them: There’s more to you than meets the eye, isn’t there?
Me: Absolutely not.
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Protip: When an office says it’s paperless, it usually does not include the restrooms.
“I’m gonna call it a day.”
– God, naming things
Don’t ever be sad on a Saturday. Wait till Monday and cry on company time. Don’t let capitalism win!
Be the change you want to see in the world!
Me: *goes back to bed
My husband doesn’t think our family will eat a 5 pound bag of cheese and I’ve never been so determined to prove him wrong.
Me: What’s the score, who’s winning?
Therapist: Ok so that’s really not how couples counseling works.
My sons preschool class had to make a collage depicting family traditions. When asked about his family tradition my kid told his teachers it was “watching tv”
For a goddamn liar he really dropped the ball on this one.
Baby will you be my friend with benefits cause I have an upcoming procedure and don’t have health insurance.
wife: I wish you were more romantic
me *starts biting the chicken nugget I’m eating into the shape of a heart*
I just inhaled a bug. Please excuse me while I light my entire head on fire.
Canadians eat more mac & cheese than any other nation
We also rank first for quality of life
I’m not saying these things are related but ….these things are definitely related
Accordion to a recent survey, inserting musical instruments into sentences largely goes unnoticed.
I thought I might be pregnant.
It turns out I’m just three months fat.
Good morning to everyone except people that sit right beside me when there are lots of other seats open.
me: want the stick
dog: not really
me: fetch the stick
dog: why would I do that
me: fetch it boy
dog: that seems pointless
me: [throws stick]
dog: oh cool now neither of us has a stick
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
Crying friend: Have you ever had a really bad day?
Me: [picking dog hair out of my oatmeal] Can you be more specific?
I posted happy birthday bunny to my husband on Instagram. I’ve never actually called him bunny, but I didn’t have my glasses on and it was early in the morning and I meant to say baby and anyway, he’s bunny now. Forever.
“Go Paperless!” they tell you on a full extra sheet of paper.
Cop: You there! Hands over your head!
Me: *raises hands*
*30 avocados fall out of shirt*
Cop: Holy guacamole!
Guys, please stop wearing Nasa shirts, I bet you can’t even name one of their songs
Dry January. Only drinking dry martinis.
Yes, Firefox. I will abort the script but only to save the life of the web page.
Him: my doctor wants me to fax them my referral
Me: to when? The 90’s?
Please help, my kid keeps threatening to teach me chess
When serial killers can’t afford to travel, they take slaycations
Of course you can be anything you wanna be. That’s how delusions work.
An octopus is very cool because if Snow White and the Seven Dwarves were drowning, it would have enough tentacles to save all of them.
Good one computer geniuses, you made everything “user friendly” and “intuitive” and now idiots are on the internet commenting on everything.
I’ve never simultaneously loved something so much and wanted it to shut up as badly as I do with my kids.