”How’d you get that scar on your head?”
[remembers falling at the playground as a kid]
”Stopped a bank robbery”
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“Thou shall keep swimming” -Nemonians 7:69
Such a weird day. It feels like that day we were talking about Greek mythology & the professor said Zeus was so obsessed with a human woman named Leda that he turned into a swan to seduce her & the whole class was nodding like “makes sense” & I was sitting there all “A swan wtf?”
So me and my demons are gonna have a few bloody mary’s and see where the day takes us. Would you and your demons like to tag along?
When do kids stop eating things they find on the floor? According to my husband it’s not 38.
we got a new bathroom accessory and now the toilet is amazed when I pee
Shoutout to my dog for ensuring we can enjoy the crunchy, colourful autumn leaves inside the house too
Now that people ignore word meanings and say they haven’t done/seen/whatever something “in a minute” when they actually mean anything from a week to thirty years, I’m going to take that concept in the other direction and describe small time periods as “several millenia.”
Now then – what’s an oxymoron?
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would just have two dinners.
Me: [when I like someone on Twitter] you’re a wonderful human being and I love you
Me: [when I like someone in real life] *velociraptor noises*
You: Help! I’ve been shot!
Me (remembering a time I poked a hole in the side of my cup o’ noodles with a fork but held my finger over it to stop the broth from leaking while I ate): I can help.
there are two types of people in the world, those who have to go to Walmart, and those who get to go to Walmart.
I have strict instructions to my husband that upon my death he has to put that “in memory of my beautiful wife” sticker on the back of his car or I’ll haunt him forever.
But who am I kidding? I’m going to haunt him regardless.
Two tips for faster jogging: hot guy in front of you and creepy dude behind
when your spouse is out with friends and won’t answer your texts
i absolutely refuse to drink any tap water till it’s gone though my brita filter that i haven’t changed in 5 years
Me: Sweetie, I think these wireless headphones you got me are defective.
Wife: Those are earmuffs.
If you use the iPhone 6 upside down, boom, iPhone 9.
If this virus gets any more toxic I’ll probably end up dating it.
“Hello, 911”
Hi it’s Mickey my dog is hurt bad
“Is it Goofy or Pluto?”
I don’t see how-
“Goofy or Pluto?”
Pluto
“Call a vet” *hangs up*
Staring at my Barbie Dream House and realizing there’s a lot of places for spiders to hide in there. As one does.
Autocorrect just changed “lady parts” to “lazy parts” and I didn’t wanna change it back because it’s not wrong, to be honest.
GOD: welcome to Heaven I will answer any question you want now.
ME: why does Target have 25 checkout lanes with only 2 always open?
GOD: …
Grim Reaper: I’m here for the sole!
Waiter: *whimpering* omg can I… can I say bye to my family?
Grim Reaper: uh, no, the fish special.
You don’t know fear until you cough out a tampon nowhere near a bathroom.
Hypothesis, hypotenuse and hippopotamus are the same words
Stay woke, sheeples
When dogs suddenly stop licking themselves and stare into the distance, they’re thinking, “Shit. Did I leave the iron on?”
Kale: i strengthen the immune system
Avocado: i’m a healthy fat
Quinoa: i provide fiber & protein
Deep Fried Twinkie: i cause diabetes
Me: six twinkies please
If you ever want a bad date to end just say “you remind me of my mother.” If you REALLY want to sell it leave out the “my”
Me: I love peanuts but can’t be bothered chewing them.
Peanut butter salesman: Oh boy, have I got the thing for you!