Two mushrooms in a forest.
One says: “Hi, how are you?”
The other replies: “Shut up, mushrooms can’t talk!”
#RubbishJokes #WednesdayVibe
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“How you like dem apples?”
“Just shut up and eat, Frank.”
Boss: I need that report by noon
Me: Consider it done[2pm]
Boss: Where’s that report?
Me: Huh? I thought we’d agreed to consider it done?
Ghostbusters (1984): A large, jovial marshmallow sailor is burned alive amid the crossfire btwn humans and ethereal beings.
Nudes are overrated. You should probably just send me a picture of those little plastic swipy things in your wallet.
Me: An icicle is the perfect murder weapon. It just melts!!
He: I asked about the perfect date.
The IRS just called me so I wired $5000 to their office in Pakistan just like they said so I hope that solves everything
Sheriff: you mean to tell me you’ve walked into this town for a lame joke set up?
Stranger: things have happened
Wolverine: [sharpening his claws] so what’s your super power?
Me: I am good at rearranging letters to form new words
Wine lover: [taking a sip of merlot] I’ll drink to that
My husband is taking me out on a trail today for some fun. If it doesn’t involve me riding a horse through the woods to view a dead body, I’m gonna be pissed.
Not to date myself, but nobody else will.
The meat served in IKEA’s restaurant is made of people who couldn’t find the way out.
hey babe come look at the cat. he looks the same as he always does and hes just sitting there. babe come look. hey come look at the cat
[first day as an architect]
boss: “these plans you designed make no sense. what does 3FF mean?”
me: “3 Fruit by the Foots long”
boss: “we dont measure things with Fruit by the Foot here!”
me: “oh, okay” *converts measurements to Bubble Tape*
No Karen, you can’t return your
eclipse glasses tomorrow and
claim they “didn’t fit.”
Car’s automatic gearbox shit itself and I was staring down the barrel of a £7.5k repair job, gingerly drove the car home to ‘think it over’ and someone drove right up my arse and wrote it off. I couldn’t stop smiling at the side of the road, the guy thought I was a psychopath.
My wife has been binge watching episodes of snapped, so I cancelled my life insurance policy, and haven’t slept or eaten in days.
My safe word is “insufficient funds”.
When my laptop asks “Are you sure?”, it’s because it still remembers all of the other bad decisions I have made.
My plant is drunk, it’s growing in the wrong direction.
[2025]
Me: *tapping out Morse code on wall shared with neighbor* Man, I miss 2020.
Good news, everyone. I was robbed last night. But I confronted the robber and he agreed to set up a joint robbery task force with me.
netflix subtitles be like (speaking foreign language) bro translate it
Grandpa: “I was at Normandy.”
Dad: “I was at the Battle of Khe Sanh.”
Me: “I once went to Kohl’s on Christmas Eve.”
Everyone: *gasps*
I picked up & ate a huge piece of baklava at a coffee shop while standing at the register because I thought they were free samples. I chowed down on that thing in silence while the cashier just stared at me.
Being unemployed has given me even more time to make up songs to sing to my cat.
If you ever see a movie where a woman is depressed and she has shaved legs that movie is bullshit.
I might carry a baby with one hand.
A pleasant day enough to misarrange slightly some words.
*spits out mouthful of blood* it’s gonna take more than that to kill me
Dentist: for the love of God just floss
An hour into this 15 minute recipe and I’m still dicing onions.