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me: into my heart as my Lord and savior
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Starts a choir that moves around in a boat, preaching how we are all going down into an abyss of damnation.
Names the boat Hell Sinky.
Worst part of a corporate job is no tips. Someone should slip you a $20 if you write a killer email
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
“I DO NOT DRINK TOO MUCH!!” I scream angrily at the neighbors garden gnome
my friend accidentally liked someone’s very old photo on instagram when she was doing a deep scroll, panicked, n immediately CHANGED HER NAME AND PHOTO ON INSTAGRAM LIKE ASSUMED AN ENTIRELY NEW IDENTITY N GAVE HERSELF A NAME LIKE FRANK B. JONES JUST SO THE PERSON WOULDN’T NOTICE
Deleted all the hot people I want to do sex with. So if you’re seeing this… you’re ugly… nobody wants you. I’m sorry you had to find out this way.
PISSED: teen gets fed up with teacher
“can i use the bathroom?”
“i don’t know, CAN you?”
*takes deep breath*
*pisses all over teachers desk*
“I can’t lie to you”
You suck at lying, don’t blame that shit on me
It’s ‘before’ not ‘B4’…
We don’t speak Bingo here…
remember when u found out the french word for seal was phoque and u were like this is the best day of my phoquing life
Every woman has an inbox. She carries it with her just in case she gets male.
Me: if you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine
7-11 Clerk: look man, we’re out of hotdogs, idk what to tell you
90% of being a parent is shouting, “Remember to flush the toilet.” The other 10% is flushing the toilet for everyone.
Friend: you know what would suck
Me: yes, being a claustrophobic turtle
Friend:
Me:
Friend: how do you even function
Me: What’s for dinner?
Wife: I don’t know what you’re eating but I just had virgin cheesesteaks.
Me: What?
*glance in the trash to see 2 empty bags of cheese*
Me: You may have a problem
Me (doing an unboxing video for a repressed memory): wow guys this is a GREAT haul
My therapist: no
Get you a man who isn’t really into movies: He’ll never know that sweet love note you wrote him is really just a series of lines from Field of Dreams.
Boss: I expect total transparency from my staff
Trevor: That’s not always practic—
John the Jellyfish: NO PROBLEM BOSS
[costume party]
friend: you’re lateme, dressed as a sloth: sorry
a snail bet me £1000 he could get home before i could and i didn’t really think it thru properly can anybody lend me money?
Dinosaurs, consider yourselves avenged
I’ve been turning my clocks back a minute per day for the last 59 days so this shit is going to be smooth sailing for me, suckers.
You never realize how many curse words are in a song till you play it for your family
My new neighbour is breaking the law by making noise every night after 11. Do I call the police for this or confront the newborn directly?
It’s extremely difficult to search my tweets when I constantcessantly make up nonsensicalistic words and greatastic werges.
[first date]
ME: so which movie do you think will win the oscar
DATE: Get Out
ME: *leaves*
EXECUTIONER: Any last words?
ME: I’m wearing women’s panties.
EXECUTIONER: I meant from the prisoner, Dave.
STEWARDESS: omg the plane’s about to crash but the SOS message can only be 140 characters! what are we going to do??
ME: *slowly stands up*
(10:00 am)
*adjusts lawn chair, sits down, opens highly anticipated new book, settles in comfortably for a long read*(10:02 am)
*already chasing after a pretty butterfly*