who started finding eggs and was like “it was probably a rabbit”
You Might Also Like
7:01 AM: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Build your 3 year old a blanket fort.
7:10: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ play house.
7:45: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Resolve conflict between your 3 year old’s toys.
8:20: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Fix the blanket fort.
9:00 AM: Drink cold coffee.
Welcome to your fifties. You need to try on belts before you buy them now.
“The floor is larva.”
– Indiana Jones, entering the Temple of Doom
@mariana057 If an Apple Store is in disrepair, is it an iSore?
You could eat off my bedroom floor. It’s not clean, but it is sturdy enough to support most food.
[interrupts Pink Floyd]
“Actually, it’s AN education”
*family meeting at Noah’s house* who wants us to do what by when?
I’m boycotting the Olympics because I just heard some sort of misinformation campaign claiming the last Winter Olympics held in 2018 was four years ago.
Filling a thermos:
weird that the doc wanted a stew sample
(Don’t let her know you can’t read)
Yes I’ll have this
*points to menu*
-So you want the gratuity of 15% added to parties of 8 or more?
Shit
I like making detailed sketches of animals but when it comes to snakes I draw a line
i forgot my date’s name so i took her to Starbucks
Me: You ate radishes.
Friend: How can you tell?
Me: You’re burping them.
F: They were really good radishes.
Me: Not from where I’m standing.
Is it “butt” naked or “buck” naked? Either way, this dentist appointment is making me very uncomfortable.
I had a really fun date last night but when I went back to his place he had like an unsettling number of beanbag chairs? Approximately 7? Just isn’t sitting right.
therapist: *holds up inkblot test* what do u see
me: a therapist with no professional boundaries shoving their shitty art into my face
therapist: please take this seriously.
me: ok it’s a car
therapist: no it’s us holding hands :/
Doctor: “You have acute appendicitis.”
Me: *blushing* “Oh you. I bet you say that to all your patients.”
My parties got a hundred times better when I realized if I didn’t invite anybody I could eat all the snacks.
I’ve had whole relationships shorter than the Game of Thrones opening credits.
What do you mean I can’t get a refund on this broken lamp?
Ma’am you bought it from my yard sale a year ago! *slams door*
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog.
Apparently Red Cross won’t let you donate blood if you bring it in a Coke bottle. That squirrel died for nothing.
Argentina is surprisingly cold. In fact it’s bordering on Chile.
When your mom is a nurse and your sister is a nurse, road trips begin with a minimum one hour of trading disgusting medical horror stories. And then we stop for breakfast.
Any wedding can be a fairy tale wedding if you serve porridge and release three angry bears into the reception hall
excusing myself in the middle of a date to go to the bathroom and baby-wipe down my whole body. to keep it weird.
Ever read stuff here on social media and then think to yourself, “Why is NASA diverting asteroids? Just let them come.”
[construction site]
NEW GUY: can i use your hammer
OLD TIMER: no it’s mineFOREMAN: guys remember we’re building a mcdonalds
NEW GUY: can i use your mc hammer
OLD TIMER: u can’t touch this
my wife went to Costco 3 hours ago and now she’s ignoring my calls. this can’t be a good sign.