23rd Century Scientist: We’re sending you to 1889 to kill baby Hitler. Four words: Stick. To. The. Mission.
Henry Ford: Yes, sir.
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We’re going to run out of sausage if no one ever wants to know how it’s made
My kid dropped his apple slices and I asked if he wanted me to help him pick up, he said “no thank you, you can do it by yourself”
If someone tells you they don’t like some particular word, do not torment them with it. To do so is totally moist.
Why would Sally sell seashells by the seashore? There are plenty there that are free. Just walk and you are bound to find at least 40. Idiot
Three men from my past have reappeared in the last few weeks to remind me how much I hate odd numbers.
Maybe Bigfoot wouldn’t be so reclusive if we stopped body shaming him
Instead of saying “I lost 35 pounds”,
say, “I lost half a super-model”
I’m giving my pregnant sister some helpful tips like how to help me lift this couch with her knees and not her back.
Dog: Uh oh. Gonna puke.
Cat: OK, what you wanna do is, keep walking. Puke every ten feet or so. Make sure you get under the bed.
Looking at a guy in great shape: 🔥🔥
Looking at a girl in great shape: 😍😍
Looking at workout equipment: 😐
I was irrationally angry when I realized there were no actual raccoons in Resident Evil
Look, I’m sorry about your leg but this note from my doctor clearly states that this is an emotional support wolverine.
[At my front door, speaking to a detective in my robe]
Me : Can I have my robe back, please?
It’s a good thing I brought poopy bags so my dog can clean up after me.
reading a book about blimps and every other sentence is like “unfortunately there was a 10 mph crosswind and the blimp exploded”
Me: I dreamed my teacher is making me read out endless values of π
Psychiatrist: Is it recurring?
Me: Not as far as anyone can tell
Make sure your first place together is on the ground floor, so when she throws your stuff out the window, it won’t break.
Honey Boo Boo changes name to Sugar Scab.
[at Waldo’s trial]
Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?
Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page
Them: If you could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead…
Me: I’d want to be alive.
flight attendant: as u can see the captain has turned on the no murdering sign
[guy next to me is still murdering someone]
me: um excuse me
Lmao @ the people who named their kids Daenerys or Khaleesi. What a bunch of absolute fools. If only they were as wise as me, father to a beautiful baby girl named Detective Pikachu
They suggested I elevate my feet and so, I was wondering if your shoulders were available.
The early bird catches a worm. The on-time bird catches a different worm. The late bird also catches a worm. There are tons of worms and they have no human concept of time
If your girlfriend says “my pyramid is late…”
Know two things:
1. Your hearing is poor
2. That’s not your biggest problem right now
I love having a bowl for my keys by the door, it’s really helpful to have one less place to look for them
My wife has given me some birthday cake to take to my friends at work.
They do not know about it.
She will never know if they received it.I now have what I like to call “my cake.”
pilot: we’re about to crash
passengers: OMG
pilot: this wedding
passengers: phew
pilot: cause we’re gonna run into this church
“At least you’re going to get a lot of material out of this,” is comedian-speak for, “Sorry about your life, dude.”
I just left a pregnancy test box in my brother’s bathroom to mess with him and his new girlfriend.