Drink like a fish and you’ll never feel like a fish out of water socially. You might look like one but you’ll never feel like one…
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What’s this thing called? I’m going with “boingy boinger”
Ralph thought she had a nerve to scream when she was the one trying to pee on him.
GOD: *invents mouse* I like it
MOUSE: Yes this is “mousestanding” work haha
GOD: *invents cat*
What the hell is going on?
Wife: have you seen the kids?
Me: yeah [sips coffee] too much.
There’s an expiration date on this bottle of Bailey’s lmao
Me: *airbrushing a wolf howling at the moon among a starry night sky*
Detective: honestly just a chalk outline around the body is fine
The 80’s called and they want you to stop saying they called.
Whenever the Starbucks guy asks for my name I laugh and whisper “I’m seeing someone”
My husband disappears when I’m angry at him. I haven’t seen him since 2015.
My almond-milk shake brings all the vegans to the yard, and they’re like …. “where’s your compost?”
Home Depot is having their “ultimate tool event” in case anyone wants to buy my cousin Tyler.
ME: Is that a B or an 8?
HUSBAND: It’s a D. When are you going to get reading glasses?
ME: My eyes are fine. The print is too small.
KID: It’s an O. You’re both blind.
The moment I met my mother-in-law, I could instantly tell that she was the type to unfairly judge me.
When you die, you walk down a tunnel of light and then that sentient paperclip from MS Word pops up and asks you what you want to do next.
Angel: how will humans start out?
God: small and helpless
Angel: how will they end up?
God: big and helpless
Angel: in between?
God: totally clueless
Angel: what is your deal man?
Guys with ponytails are clearly vampires because there’s no way you can actually see yourself in a mirror & still think that looks good.
Me: A wizard is never late. Nor is he early. He arrives precisely when he means to.
Boss: You work at Quiznos, stupid. And you’re fired.
I enjoy April Fool’s Day because I like responding to fake pregnancy announcement texts with “no wonder you’ve been looking chubby”.
Thank god for cauliflower rice. Finally a way to chew hot water
Snuck a peak at my therapist’s notepad after telling her about my childhood, and it was just dollar signs.
Driving home with my kids & my son didn’t like the song I was listening to. He said, “Thank God we’re 10 seconds from home!” & then I took the long way home because that’s what good parents do.
I don’t have friends with ugly babies mostly because I believe in honesty
My favorite genre of tweet is “person born after I graduated college feels old”
GUY WHO INVENTED JACK-O-LANTERNS: I bet this gourd would be cooler if it looked like it wanted to murder me.
I wrecked my Italian car, now it’s al dente
You say no portion control, I say treating every meal like it’s your last
And now as I don my mask in the grocery store I know I have but fifteen seconds before my glasses fog up and my cart becomes a lethal weapon.
my kids can lose something i bought them for $20 and up and not even flinch but could lose a stick they found in the yard and cry about it for hours.