Last time I saw my boyfriend he was getting on a plane to Helsinki. You might say he vanished into Finnair.
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Better than the last 5 star wars movies. 😂😂
sorry not a big fan what other vegetables do you have on the cob
*at the vet*
me: my new cat won’t stop hissing
vet: ma’am this is a cockroach
me: oh crap. that pet store ripped me off
*thinks my friend Liz’s full first name is Lizard* Lizard. Listen to me. Why are you laughing. Lizard be serious. Lizard please
A truck just flipped a dead squirrel onto my windshield and it’s stuck in my wiper.
I guess I don’t have to stop to get supper tonight.
It’s so sad when you have to tell the person you love that you’ve already seen the post they’re showing you
My 5yo asked me if we could go to someone else’s house because he says we go to our house a lot
[second week of being able to talk to animals]
omg you like food I get it
“Yes Wiccan!” -inspirational witches
Can you at least smile if you’re gonna be in the background of my selfie, Doc?
(takes off rubber glove)
“You can pull up your pants now.”
I’d totally shake what my momma gave me but abandonment issues aren’t really a tangible physical manifestation…..
A horse covered in floaties gallops happily toward a swimmin pool.
He sees a sign “NO HORSEPLAY”
He lowers his head
“Ok”
& sadly trots away
@SchmuckOnAHorse “Dad, why is my sister named Teresa?”
“Because your Mom loves anagrams, and Teresa is an anagram of Easter, the day she was conceived.”
“Thanks, Dad.”
“No problem, Alan.”
If you feed me & have the heat on high, I will fall asleep on you. So to have a much more interesting date with me keep me hungry and cold
13: Mom, you look younger every day!
Me: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
Me: How young?
13: 29
Me: Go get my wallet.
Truthfully, I’m hungover. But if anyone asks, this is a yoga position.
Son: *placing Dunkin Donuts order* So you want a latté?
Me: Nah I just want a little.
Son: …goddammit Mom…
Sorry I spilled fruit punch all over the white carpet at your baby shower, I was helping you practice.
*Poops in my pants*
Get used to it.
I don’t know who started the malicious rumour I’m mostly mole but I’m going to keep digging.
me: be gentle, it’s been a while for me
turbo tax advisor:
So, lemme get this straight…
Scooby-Doo can talk and help solve murders, but can’t go to the store and buy himself Scooby snacks??
Siri, fight Alexa.
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
[runs thru the funeral chasing a bagpipe player]
“Stop hurting that octopus!”
I’d be so pissed if my coworker left for American Idol and I had to cover for them plus act happy.
Him: You can’t give the cat treats right after he tripped me on the stairs. He’ll think it’s a reward.
Me: It is.
I marked today on my calendar as “new client consultations” which was code for me having a day off because who wants a divorce consultation the day before Thanksgiving?!
Five. It appears 5 people want a divorce consultation the day before Thanksgiving.
ME: i trained this chicken to talk
HER: let’s see
ME: what’s a male deer
CHICKEN: buck
ME: how much is 200 pennies
CHICKEN: buck buck
HER: this sucks
ME: it gets better
CHICKEN: it gets way better, Karen
Pandas, skunks and zebras are the oldest species on Earth, dating back to long before colour was invented.