thought I saw two girls fighting, turned out to be one drunk girl trying to take off a hoodie
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The cynicism of those who urge me not to do what I can to help the Nigerian royal family.
Why is it called “gym rat”? Why can’t I be a “gym koala” or a “gym panda”?
When I have a tough decision, I ask myself…
“What would Jesus do?”
Then, I remember how things turned out for him…
And, flip a coin.
* see weird traffic pattern
* turns down radio
* smoothly avoids gargantuan pothole
* runs over sign saying avoid gargantuan pothole
When it comes to Pope vs. Trump, do you take the side of the guy who wears that ridiculous thing on his head or the Pope?
DATE: If you don’t stop talking like a phone sex operator I’m gonna leave.
ME: oh yeah? *low raspy voice* ..and then what are you gonna do?
my boss just walked in on me ripping a piece of paper in half with the word “Boss” written on it
I often wish for the easy clarity that stupidity provides.
Brought twins to a corn maze & put them at 2 different points so people thought they kept passing the same row. The tricycles really sold it
I want to rub myself all over you like a dog rolling in a dead raccoon.
I like my women like I like my ancient staircases, curvy and can send me straight to hell.
Hey guys, I know what we can do! Let’s summon Satan!
-My kids and their cousins at 6am when I’m trying to sleep in.
I don’t understand people in the entertainment industry who have affairs with their manager. I feel like all my managers’ texts would just be them telling me it’s not a great market for sex at the moment
Took me 5 minutes to pick up the soap I dropped in the shower so I hope I never commit a felony.
Okay with female deers & drops of golden sun. But always felt that “La” deserved a better identity than “a note to follow So”
Adulting, but it’s just me reminding my kid every day which grown-up words he shouldn’t say in kindergarten
My girlfriend said we should each pick a “hall pass”, just in case we ever met that person. I chose Kate Upton and she chose her roommate Connor
One time I was so sad I wrote an entire Radiohead album.
I just hope Matrix Resurrections ends with Neo teaching Agent Smith the true meaning of Christmas.
Friend: I love your gray eyeshadow!
Me: I’m not wearing eyeshadow.
“It’s ok to double dip if you eat the whole bowl of chips & salsa by yourself!”
I shout as I swat my date’s hand away
“Blind dates are fun!”
Gluten free pizza is like a roller coaster that just goes straight.
Ke$ha in different currencies:
Ke£ha,
Ke€ha,
Ke¥ha.
Lucky she chose USD… British KePoundHa or Vietnamese KeDongHa might sound a bit odd
She who has black counters shalt not purchase black cell phones
AA MEETING
Chairman: Please, introduce yourself
Eminem: Hi! My name is..
C: What?
E: My name is..
C: Who?
E: Hi! My name is..
C: Huh?
Worm: If you cut a glow worm’s tail off, he’ll be de-lighted haha
Me: I don’t get it
Early bird: I do
[phone rings]
ME: Hello?
MOM: Are you watching the news?
ME: Yes.
MOM: Channel 2?
ME: Yes.
MOM: Bring a jacket anyway.
“How’s your core?” bro I’m not an apple.
[drinking my 5th coffee of the day] imma put this body on vibrate
It’s OK, The Phantom Menace. I also came out in 1999 and am a bit disappointing