Our friend in New Zealand wished my 8yo a happy birthday the night before her birthday. I tried explaining time zones to her but all she heard is Liz is from the future.
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Partner: I’m breaking up with you
Me: Oh why?
Partner: It’s the only speaking in single letters thing, it’s weird
Me: Oh. I see. OK
Kids: What’s for supper?
Me: Well, I didn’t have the ingredients to make a traditional Irish boiled dinner, so I’m just using what we’ve got.
[5 mins later]
Wife: WHY ARE THERE 6 HOT POCKETS BOILING ON THE STOVE
I sure didn’t win the genetic lottery. I can eat healthy and diet for 6 months and lose 10 lbs. I eat like shit for 3 and a quarter days and gain 73
When I see how my boys have loaded the dishwasher I think, “Maybe their father is my cousin.”
Don’t hand me the good china. That’s a leap of faith you’ll regret.
Before you feel flattered that I have a crush on you, please remember that I’ve spent the last hour and a half fantasizing about a sausage, egg, and cheese biscuit.
Me: I took two naps today and was just falling asleep again.
Him: I can think of something to wake you up. *wraggles eyebrows*
Me: Is it food?
For April Fool’s Day, Pizza Hut Taiwan has rolled out a “flavorless” pizza, which is just a giant hole with nothing inside
they should invent a device that lets other people comprehend how stupid I know them to be
Why are sloths one of the 7 deadly sins? Those little guys don’t hurt anybody. They just chill all day.
Everyone out here workin’ on their cores and I’m just tryna get as close as possible to the drive thru window so I don’t have to stretch.
You want me to make something homemade?? Girl I can’t even make my own serotonin.
Forgiveness is for people who don’t know about arson.
[Bedroom]
Him: *Panting* I swear I usually last much longer than that
Her: Sure you do
Him: Time me *holds breath again*
the casting director for “the boys” probably just left a few milkshakes out
calling the number on a missing cat flyer and meowing
[on plane]
Me: It’s ok, more ppl are killed by hippos than by plane crashes
Pilot: This is your captain speaking, I’m a hippo btw
Me: Nooooo
H: Let’s watch a really scary movie.
Me: Good idea.
[starts playing movie “Parenthood”]
My friends are like “hey come camping with us this weekend” & I’m like “I can’t, I have to get new friends”
What genius named it a “news feed” on Facebook and not “bullshit”?!
The house from Hansel and Gretel but made out of tacos.
I tell people that I’m a contact tracer but I’m really just being nosy
Omg. Why do I always look terrible when I leave the house.
*stays in bed until 4 minutes before I’m supposed to leave*
Sometimes I think my crossfit instructor is a truly great guy who is helping us improve ourselves and sometimes I think he’s a sadist who conned us into giving him money to do burpees
I bet birds love this building.
4: Mommy, do I look like a taco?
(I pause, consider the question and remind myself I’m dealing with a highly irrational creature)
Me: Do you want to look like a taco?
4: Yes!
Me: You look exactly like a taco.
My wife says I’ve left the toilet seat up “like a bajillion times” but I’m contacting Jill Stein to demand a recount.
I love how insurance companies offer “accident forgiveness” like they’re some sort of ancient deity pardoning your existence.
I grew up in the 70s. If there was a bowl of fruit on the kitchen table it was made out of plastic and lead paint