[working in a nail salon]
Me: How short would you like me to bite them?
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The corona virus should mutate into something nice for a change
High Schools: Make sure your student gets plenty of sleep
Also High Schools: Bus comes at sunrise
BLIND DATE TIP FOR WOMEN: Throw a fork into the wall behind ur date so he has to turn around, to make sure he doesn’t have a hidden ponytail
Marriage is a lot of why are you looking at me like that?
I take my phone with me when I go down into the basement, so if I fall and can’t get up I’ll still be able to tweet.
[Interview]
Me: I really need the paycheck
Him: This is an unpaid internship.
Me: Do you provide snacks?
Him: Um, yes
Me: Keep going…
Let me just slip into something a little more comfortable *comes back wearing a wizard costume*
Dude. It’s just a crayon. Don’t do anything drastic.
My first act as president will be an executive order requiring that all celebrity baby names be reviewed by a panel of sane people.
I requested the number 867-5309 from my cellular provider because I like being annoyed to the point of rage.
“No way.” -Jose
cop: you’re free to go
me: but
cop: go on now
me: please
cop: I SAID GET OUTTA HERE
me: *runs into the forest*
cop: :'(
Shoulder Devil: So I say “Go on–do it!” And the moron does it!
Shoulder Angel: What an idiot!
Me: You guys know I can hear you, right?
I decided to beat Black Friday and start my Christmas shopping early.
*Runs Amazon van off the road
[repeatedly mashing elevator button]
him: you know that doesn’t make it come any quicker
[starts licking elevator button]
Nudes are overrated. You should probably just send me a picture of those little plastic swipy things in your wallet.
Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…
It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.
I don’t understand why salads are seen as “dainty” food. I look more like a wild animal eating salad than literally anything else.
The recipe blogs that have the “jump to recipe” button are the real winners
niece: Diamond earrings!?
[flashback to me, drunk, wrapping presents]
me: Oh shit
Teacher: Who knows what Pennsylvania is famous for?
5: Pencils. Duh.
my psychiatrist told me i seem like i do improv and i literally don’t even know how to take that
It’s curious how kids are always *really* hungry right before dinner and right after dinner, but never during actual dinner.
[stumbles out of bar with girl]
We’ll be at my place- (struggling to unchain ten speed bike) -in no time, baby
i noticed you didn’t put interpretive dance on your gift registry but i went ahead and got it for you anyways
🤣🤣
Why couldn’t the Italian chef open the door?
Because he had gnocchi
*quietly waits for the reply guys
I had a sex dream about my wife last night…except her hair was black instead of blonde…and she looked a lot like my hot neighbor Karen.
ME: *dies*
DEATH: Welcome to the afterlife.
ME: How do I get to Heaven?
DEATH: *points* Go up those stairs.
ME: What about Hell?
DEATH: *points* Go down those stairs.
ME: And Limbo?
DEATH: *points* Just duck under that bar.