One day you’re young and the next you’re standing at the kitchen window staring menacingly at your neighbors.
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Sure, most of my cousins are doctors and lawyers and professors with nice houses and adorable kids but I’m the only one who can digest milk
My dog just winked at me, and now I’m wondering just exactly what the two of us are keeping from the rest of the family.
If I wasn’t meant to have a bowl of Halloween candy for dinner, I should’ve had more trick or treaters.
If my dad were still alive today I’m sure he’d be really pissed off over that whole cremation thing.
I have discovered that theirs no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess there’s no point in bothering with hash browns then.
At first I was disappointed that the prize for completing my “fair food punch card” was a giant bucket, but it turns out I needed it
*pulls away from kissing, stares intently into his eyes
Your eyes are like pools of melted chocolate
Him: U started your diet, didn’t u
*eats French fries out of a pack of cigarettes*
Killers in crime shows think they can cover up strangling people but the coronor is always inevitably like “his neck was snapped in a way that was inconsistent with a heart attack”
she’s going to make a soup or a hearthy stew perhaps
-Where was I conceived, dad?
Dad: Ahh *rubs back of neck* At the Bellagio in Las Vegas.
-Rly?
Dad: Wd I lie to u, Bestwestern Broomcloset?
Wife: Use your fingers to make me squirm
Me: *plays Baby Shark on Fisher Price xylophone*
I fear that one day I’ll click on “Forgot password?” and it will say “We’re not telling you. This is going to be a learning experience.”
11: Mom if you’re sweating in a sweater does that make you the sweater?
Me: Just brush your teeth.
My dog just puked on the floor.
5yo: MOMMY, LOOK!
Me: Eeeww!
5yo: We are just gonna have to move now!I like the way this kid thinks!
Just watched a squirrel bury a nut. Most entertaining goddamn thing I’ve ever seen. Made Star Wars look like absolute hog shit
It’s weird how we get born in the same city as our favorite sports teams
HIM: So I was talking to our neighbor…
ME: Which one?
HIM: Susan.
ME: …?
HIM: Susan. Tall, dark hair.
ME: …?
HIM: Lives two houses down. SUSAN.
ME: …?
HIM: Has the pug and the golden retriev—
ME: OH, Lizard and Elliot’s mom!
Before you start your artisanal candle business ask yourself: does the world need one more lychee-scented soy candle? Or even one?
Kermit goes Blue.
🤣😂🤣
They wrote “Kevin” on my coffee cup lol how do you get “Kevin” from “David” not to mention they got my order completely wrong
ME: I was left in the woods as a baby.
DATE: So, were you raised by wolves?
ME: Not exactly. *gnaws a tree in half*
What did the Wise Men say after presenting their gold and frankincence???
Wait, there’s myrrh!!!
Sweetie, who is this bully stealing your pudding cup before school?!?
“Mom, it’s-”
*dad makes throat slice gesture*
“No one, Mom. No one”
[summoning the devil]
me: come to us!
satan: [rising from floor] who summons me?
mom: [comes in] hi honey i thought you and your friends might want some snacks and-
me: mom get out!
satan: susan is that you?
mom: oh my god! satey?
satan: unholy shit how long’s it been?
Me: Your dating profile said you’re looking for a girl who knows how to have fun.
Him: Yes! *winks*
Me: [starts taking kittens out of purse]