My toxic trait is that if you see me naked, that girl from the ring murders you in 7 days
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I have never seen an alcohol company using a drunk person for any advertising, are they ashamed of their customers?
TOM HARDY: ‘I am a necessary evil!’
TOM SOFTY: ‘I can’t have anything too spicy before bed.’
*goes shopping without makeup and a hair in the messy bun*
“Hi everybody I ever met since 1999”
Do my kids help me cook? No.
But do they like what I cook? Also no.
Ok, but do they at least come when I call them to eat? *deepest, longest sigh imaginable*
*holds flashlight under chin
Me: suddenly the mystery of…Son: haha Dad has like 3 chins
*drops flashlight
Me: SANTA CLAUS IS FAKE!!
Wonder Woman is in theaters June 2nd. But if you want a sneak preview, watch Sally Yates’ performance in front of the Senate.
Is it rude to try and brush someone’s teeth while they’re talking to you?
Just overheard at the library:
“This is a place of learning. I don’t understand why shoes are required!”
I don’t understand why people climb mountains. I literally pay someone else to carry my groceries
My girlfriend wanted to swap positions in bed. So I told her I have a headache and went to sleep.
[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Um, the Stork.
[stork knocks on bedroom window] He’s lying.
Girl in the locker room put her pants on the floor and tried to hop into them. I was going to call her awesomepants, but coma girl works too
my landlord charged a pet fee for the ants in my kitchen. i need $48,000,000 by friday or im evicted. how did he count them they are so fast
My favorite part of football is when players “look to God.”
Because He’s all, “I can’t do shit for the Middle East but I’m rooting for YOU.”
If i had to guess, i would guess that the number one search word on Bing is Google.
Stop making fast and furious movies.
before therapy: i hate people
after therapy: i feel good about hating people!
I’m beginning to think some of you are not your Avi’s, which makes me sad. I thought I had a unicorn and dinosaur friend.
Don’t be fooled – orca whales are just penguins set to widescreen 16:9 instead of the usual 4:3.
Took an edible and got so nervous on this flight that I started petting someone else’s service dog.
roses are red,
what happened to “yeet”?
are we still dabbing?
heyooo send tweet.
Wearing the same outfit two days in a row ’cause I’m practicing to be a cartoon
Me: What do you think of your haircut?
Wife: I need more volume
Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?
Baby Judge: You’re sentenced to 3 jars of strained peas.
*baby bailiffs drop their squeaky toys*
*an infant juror spits up*
There are two types of people: Those who are always ten minutes early and those who think it only takes ten minutes to get anywhere, and they marry each other.
me: Can you swing by Taco Bell?
guy driving the ambulance:
no babe, my vegan friends don’t want to meet you for the first time at a place called “the flaming pig”
INTERVIEWER: On average, how often do you miss work?
ME: *sweating profusely* NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATH
I’m praying for you…
So if a bird shits on your car right after you wash it…
That’s from me
Dude, I know this is Sparta. There’s like a huge sign at the front gates. Why are you yelling at me?