i like keeping my metabolism on its toes. Like what’s it gonna be today, complete starvation or 6,000 calories.
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Wife: you’ve been a naughty boy *peels off clothes* You need to be punished
Me: yes, I do!
Wife: do the laundry
I’m just saying if she’s into metric then I’d love to meter
It took me 15 mins to explain to my 18yo son how to make Minute Rice, in case you were thinking about having kids.
i’ve dated so many tools i could open a home depot
[kissing every meatball before loading it onto sub]
subway employee: I’m pretty sure you’re not supposed to do that
me: oh i don’t work here
When I was 4 my dad got pulled over and I screamed “I have to poop!!!” and the cop let my dad go. When he took me to the bathroom my dad couldn’t stop laughing after I told him I didn’t have to poop, just didn’t want him to get a ticket. Sure hope my kids return the favor
I bet every time Vanilla sets his razor down on the bathroom sink, he looks up in the mirror, rubs his newly smooth face & says “Shaved Ice”
Due to unforeseen circumstances, I will no longer be eating cheese I don’t remember putting in my purse
“Hand me that pillowcase. Nope, that’s a coverlet. No, that’s a sham. That’s my nightgown. That’s a duvet cover.”
~Excerpt from my book, “Making the Bed with the Mrs.”
Allegedly naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.
My kids do not talk to me like I’m their best chance of an organ donation.
5yo: Curious George is not a monkey
Me: yes he is
5yo: no he isn’t, he doesn’t have a tail, he’s an ape
Me: he definitely has a— *googling pics of Curious George* omg
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
Me (as bridesmaid):
*up at alter holding bouquet*
WAIT! STOP THE WEDDING!Priest: *stops talking*
Me: *runs down aisle and out of the church to catch ice cream truck*
[First day as Narrator]
Me: So, I just say the opposite of what the speaker said? I can handle that.
Narrator Trainer: But he could not.
You can imagine my embarrassment when I was escorted out of the herpetologists office by police because he isn’t an std doctor
9am: *starts diet*
2pm: *injects KFC gravy intravenously*
It’s an epidemic…
I choose a lazy person to do a hard job. Because a lazy person will find an easy way to do it. – Bill Gates
How is it this guy has not hired me yet?
Imagine how tall this baby will be when it’s fully grown.
her: the car isnt working. you need to do something about it
me: sure *to car* GET A JOB YOU LAZY CAR
her: i meant a mechanic
me: i really dont care what job
every day I think about the girl who thought everyone could “hear the universe’s energy” and it turned out she just had tinnitus, I hope she’s doing well
<- sleeps well with others
It’s amazing how eating such a small amount of dog food can cause such a large amount of concern from the people at the pet store.
Twitter is the new Circuit City grift 🤣
I’m thinking about giving that Call of Duty game a shot, but first I’m gonna try one last time to get past level 4 on Duck Hunt.
I am dressed in all grey and a man also dressed in all grey just stared at me and for a second I got very nervous that he thought I was him
It takes a big man to admit when he’s got a problem, but it takes an even bigger man to help me bring all these beers in from the car.
This is enough internet for the day.
My husband watched me clean the entire house today, and then asked me if I had a relaxing day.
I get why the spouse is the first suspect.