When someone says “women like you” to me, I assume they’re referring to extremely powerful wizards.
You Might Also Like
THIS SIGN MAKES ME SO HAPPY 😊😊😊
In honor of the winter solstice I will also be cold, distant & filled with darkness.
Of course divorce is expensive. The price of freedom has always been high.
media: how to watch tonight’s super blue moon
me: look up at the sky???
Not to brag but my boss gave me a certificate of achievement and he said it’s much more prestigious than a pay raise.
I once dated a guy only because he had a cool hidden safe behind a painting in the hallway he kept the spare toilet paper rolls in there
Everyone has something they believe in.
I believe in drinking before noon.
Inventor of raisins: “What do you like about grapes”
me: the juice part, the freshness
Inventor: right but what if they had neither
Me: it’s bed time!
My kids: PARKOUR!
I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up when it’s ready.
My 6yo is chanting all the words that rhyme with sucker and this is going to end badly in about 3 seconds
How to start a fight with your wife:
1- Watch your wife buy a squash
2- Put it on the shelf
3- After three months ask your wife if the squash has a name
Oh, you climbed Mt. Everest?
Well, I live with 4 teenagers and ALL the laundry in the house is clean AND folded.
.
Luggage rack or cop car is the road trip game you hate to lose
Hahaha this stupid baby on the bus thinks they can cry louder than me
Donald Duck is far too angry for somebody who never has to suffer pants.
Flat Earth is a conspiracy invented by Big Aluminum to sell more foil.
I’m sporting Cameron Diaz’ *Something About Mary” hairdo, but tragically, the magic ingredient is Cadbury Crème egg filling.
Celebrity divorce statements remind us of the names they gave their kids. “We want to focus on raising our children, Shoe and Turbo Pickle.”
announcer: now presenting hollywood’s most illegible bachelor!
audience member: you mean eligible?
announcer: [holds up picture of badly drawn stick man]
guilty
No matter what country you’re from, how you identify yourself or what you believe in, you’ve tried to move objects with your mind before.
“Try it, it’s so good!”
“Come on, man. Just a taste.”
“I’m having some. Mmmm.”
“Trust me.”Feeding my 2yo makes me feel like a drug dealer.
When my kids wanted candy conversation hearts, my husband explained that they’re seasonal, and my 7yo said, “well the government could force stores to sell them.”
Your move, government.
Husband: No stubble? Did you finally shave your legs?
Me: No. I grew it out so you’d stop complaining about the stubble.
FBI PROFILER, LOOKING AT PHOTOS OF MY HOUSE: White male, mid-30s, doesn’t have a lot of friends or close associations, probably read a lot about serial killers as a kid, eats a lot of bullshit food, no real skills
ME: I’m right here
FBI PROFILER: Talks like an idiot
If you love someone let them go.. If they come back just be yourself they will be gone again in 2 days😬😂
godspeed to the man who just told his girlfriend “there’s no need to get so emotional” in the baby clothes section of the supermarket
Jehovah’s witnesses are at my door.
*Lights black candles, dons flowing dress, opens door, and says seductively, “Are you the keymaster?”*
I’m planning to save money on Christmas gifts this year by wrapping up all the toys my toddler dropped behind the couch.