Fortune cookie: You will travel far and wide and touch many lives along the way.
Me: [sighs and starts drafting apology notes now]
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One time I fell off a 20ft ladder, then climbed right back up and jumped off a second time to show that ladder who’s in charge.
Everyone: I want to be cremated and my ashes sprinkled into the ocean under the moon while baby turtles hatch and race towards the water while “Circle of Life” plays.
Me: Put me in some aerosol cans and sell me as dry shampoo.
I met a pet turtle at the park and I asked the guy if he brings it there to play on the swings and slides, and he responds: “No ma’am, turtles don’t use swings and slides”, and I can’t believe he called me ma’am
when someone is in a Christmas eve panic, I always find that “well maybe you should have thought of that sooner” is a helpful phrase
It’s funny how your tweets are funnier now that I know you’re hot.
-everyone on Twitter
Look, 80’s kids went from Inspector Gadget to Terminator so we have a lot of mixed feelings about technology.
cop: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
me: *puts hands up and my shirt rises exposing my entire stomach*
cop: SIR PUT YOUR HANDS BACK DOWN
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
where do you get off assuming i don’t love stupid prizes? *proceeds to play stupid games*
The words, “Relax mom, it’s only glitter” is the biggest contradiction a mom can hear.
My white cat has been beating up my black cat a lot lately so I guess he’s been reading the news and knows he won’t get punished for it.
Just Googled my symptoms. Turns out I’m alive
Wonder how long it’ll take for my pregnant friend to realize that the list of baby name ideas I’m giving her are all just types of lettuce?
“come on there is no place safer than on the surface of an asteroid out in the middle of space what could possibly happen out here”
I may be getting old but not “doesn’t know what day of the week it is” old. I can tell by which day I open on my daily pill organizer.
me: [sets to bed time reminders on my Fitbit to be responsible]
Later that night
Fitbit: time for bed
me: DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO
I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy asking him to stop eating all the snacks I bought for school lunches dammit.
pretty cool how no matter what’s going on in the world, a teenager in a Metallica shirt will always look the same no matter what year it is.
My cactus judges
All of the other houseplants
For how much they drink
prisoner: [wakes up half drunk] where am i
sheriff: bad news pal you’re in jail
prisoner: i can see that but where
sheriff: mississippi
prisoner: ok now that is bad news
It’s funny how all those “best places in the world” lists always forget to include the Internet.
It’s very rude to not refer to the manager at Burger King as “Your Majesty”.
Based on the week’s events , I’d say aluminum foil companies will be having a banner year.
“amateurs”
~ Mick Jagger browsing duck lip selfies
Roadtripping with my family has taught me that my marriage can withstand anything except roadtripping with my family.
I’ve been taking anti-performance enhancing drugs and according to my life they’re working really well.
I’ve finally had time to open the boxes in the basement. Well guess who is coming up smelling like vintage 80s English Leather.
Perfect one night stand:
Amish person.No internet access.
No phones.
In the heat of passion they’ll whisper the secret to apple butter.
Cheesecake Factory to start reopening restaurants but they will only have a limited 413-page menu.
No one makes fun of your cargo pants when you start pulling little bottles of liquor out of them at the PTA meeting