*Takes gift wrapping paper to the counter*
Her: Did you want to buy that?
Me: No, I just wanted to hold it for a while.
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Why is it that when other women wear a chain over a turtleneck it looks impossibly chic but when I do it I look like that 1994 photo of The Rock
If he marries someone else, raises a family, and leads a very fulfilling life, maybe he’s just not that into you.
[at the club]
Me: …everyone seemed to be just fine with Superman wearing red knee high boots
Her: Just take them off
My stepmother asking me exactly how many chicken nuggets to make for my kids like lady it could be 15 or 0 do I look like some kind of psychic
The Burger King can legally officiate a wedding, but only if the rings are onion rings
doctor: im afraid u only have a few minutes left to live
me: [sobs] oh my god are u sure
doctor: [pulls out gun] im totally sure
*panicking* 3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3
(Avoids bear attack by spraying him in the face with Axe Body Spray)
Bear: *crying and coughing* Why?
Me: some mornings I see myself in the mirror and think what am I even getting ready for
Therapist: sorry, can you pull the toothbrush out of your beard
As it turns out, ‘harder’ is a terrible safe word
” Wife: there is a man at the door with a mustache.
Husband: tell him i’ve already got one. “
Just saw a snake slither through my backyard, so if anyone wants a house in Houston, it’s yours.
I’m paranoid AND needy: I think people are talking about me, but not as much as I’d like.
daughter: there’s a monster under my bed
me: why do you say that?
daughter: because when i stick my foot out from under the covers, the monster grabs it
me: [to son] have you been hiding under your sister’s bed?
son: *sighs* yes
me: did you see a monster under there
8YR OLD: dad, why do spiders not stick to their own webs?
ME: [remembering I asked the same question when I was smoking pot at a party in college] are…are you high right now?
TUPAC IS DEAD
BIGGIE IS DEAD
AND ME ALSO I AM FEELING NOT SO GOOD
I’m not a morning person so at work people know not to bother me until I’ve had my coffee. Also I don’t drink coffee. It’s been very peaceful.
Sorry, I don’t think I can hang out this weekend, my 4-year-old is still telling a joke
I told my 5 year old that he was allowed to choose 1 item from the grocery store so we’re walking home with a cart.
“So hell isn’t too bad,” I say from the podium. “I just keep teaching?”
“Actually…” said a demon
“Actually…” said another
“ACTUALLY…”
It’s been 0 days since a member of family who claims to love me unplugged my phone to charge their own device.
SPOILER ALERT ~ In the new Mission: Impossible movie Tom Cruise runs and jumps a lot.
[speed dating]
date: what’s your biggest turn on?
me: wind turbines
date: ah i’m not a big fan
me: next
*paying $40 to go into a haunted house*
finally a peaceful refuge to get away from how scary the world is right now
If it was really a smart phone it would have recognize that it was an ignored call, not missed.
I’ve just found a mole on my shoulder.
I don’t know how he got out of the garden but he’s cute.
Convince people you own a penguin by putting up a ‘Beware of the Penguin’ sign outside your house.
Well, I don’t know how my tattoo is gonna look when I’m 60, Carol, but I know you’ll be dead by then so
If you can get the pronouns right for a boat you can get them right for a person