I try not to get political on twitter, but cinderella’s step mom was a real piece of shit
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*scrolls through Facebook on Mother’s Day*
me: EVERY SINGLE MOTHER CANNOT BE THE BEST MOTHER EVER. THAT’S NOT STATISTICALLY POSSIBLE. BESIDES, MY MOM IS.
I have a bit of an inferiority complex. But it’s not a very good one.
Remember it’s Christmas. You need to check your elf before you wreck your shelf
this burrito is terrible how can you call yourself a barista
Gotta respect birds, living in trees means they completely avoid paying property tax.
If you haven’t heard from your boss in a few hours, be sure to message them and ask if they’re mad at you.
“Nobody wants to work anymore”
Bro nobody has ever wanted to work
A short story about romance.
Me (on a plane): oh dang my friends are going to flip when I send a pic of this airplane wing and the clouds
I literally just used the flashlight on my phone to search under the couch for my phone if you ladies are looking for someone with all their ducks in a row
A guy with a sense of humor that matches mine will always get my attention.
I did not eat the cake…
I had a lazy eye as a child and now the rest of my body has caught up.
1 PM: I can’t wait to go to bed
1 AM: I should reorganize the garage
Please go back into your caves. I was wrong about it being safe to come out.
My safe word is “I WANT YOUR BABIES”
Guy: Why does everyone call you “Gross Gary”?
Gary: [filling a canteen with hotdog water] Nobody calls me that.
Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling
I ordered a $9.00 salad on a food delivery app. That’s $57.00 I’ll never see again.
I just saw my dad screenshot all by himself,they grow up so fast
When you’re friend recommends a guy who can fix it for less
The guy:
*Girl opens Xmas present*
“Why’d you get me carrots and lettuce?”
“Wait but that means-”
*Hamster at home wearing glorious diamond earrings*
When a cop gives you a ticket for speeding he won’t be impressed when you tell him “I do this all the time.”
I know this now.
Shout out to the unmuted lady in this Zoom webinar who has the hiccups and is highlighted as the speaker every time she hics
Fact: A good beer will not lose its label after sitting in a cooler of ice water all week.
Related: Why is there still beer in the cooler??
wife left me because I wouldn’t stop referring to bread as “acoustic toast”
Let’s be honest, a forced 2 week quarantine will be the only way we’ll ever actually finish the laundry.
McDonald’s french fries are not real food. Just found one under my car seat from two months ago and it looked perfect.
Tasted fine, too.
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
9: Mommy can I have a treat?
Me: It’s close to bedtime so no
9: A tiny piece?
Me: No
9: A molecule? An atom?!
Me: I’m glad you’re paying attention in Science but no. Not even a quark or neutrino
9: Is that a donut?