I always sleep naked. I don’t care if it makes people uncomfortable, they can just switch buses.
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Don’t people with bumper stickers realize it takes a t-shirt to change a person’s deeply held beliefs?
*dramatically gets out of bean bag chair for 20 minutes*
Nature just builds 30 foot trees. Without even pulling a permit.
Instagram better not use my cloud pics. THEY’RE MY CLOUDS GET YOUR OWN CLOUDS ZUCKERBERG!
Dude tried to pick me up at the gym but I was like bro I’m dying just let me lay here
Every spy movie character who gets shot:
I need to find a doctor.Screenwriters:
Best we can do is a veterinarian.
[commercial for gymnastics]
Want to delay menarche and stunt your lumbar growth, but also risk getting crotch punched by a four-inch beam?
I don’t have Covid, but when my doctor did the test, she asked, “do you want to do this the hard way or the easy way?” Who would choose the hard way?!
At the park yesterday my 4yr old was talking to one of the dads, being all charming and cute, complimenting his tattoos. Then he started telling him about mommy’s tattoos and pointing me out. Good to know I’ve got a good wingman if I ever need one.
Had to quit my Uber Eats job, turns out they keep track of how many orders you report “flew out the window,” and “all of them” is too many.
Why would you ask me for directions?
You just saw me walk into a closed door.
Wife: You’re so predictable
Me: Yeah? I bet u didn’t see this coming
*I go to throw water on her but shes already wearing a poncho*
Me: Damn
[little old lady struggling to pick up her bag of library books off the floor]
Me: [walking by]
“It’s easier if you lift with your legs.”
I made a rabbit stew last night. My husband complained there was a hare in it.
Imagine the havoc if raccoons could fly. Rotund shadows grow larger over a pizza guy moments before he’s swarmed by snarling, handsy demons.
sorry I’m late. I tripped on my cat and so had to kiss him for 45 minutes
Guy- What’s your sign?
Me- Stop
I’m not sure why people limit themselves to snapping wishbones when there are so many excellent human bones for breaking.
Me: No one told me raising a baby would be sooo hard 😰
My baby:
70’s horror movies gave me a healthy respect for the power held by chainsaws and deserted farmhouses
there had to be at least one guy in Troy who looked at the Trojan horse and was like “oh my god do not bring that wooden piece of shit in here”
Apparently at some point in history, hotcakes sold quite briskly.
“I don’t see race.” -Russian guy in the back row of a NASCAR event
This day in history. 1999. Eminem’s mother sued him for 10 million dollars acting on behalf of the family swear jar.
yeah st. louis has some weird eating habits but did you know that when you ask for pizza in chicago they give you lasagna
i listed my ex as my emergency contact at my new job bc if i have a heart attack i need to tell kathy to burn in hell one last time
Could’ve posed any goddamn way he wanted. Chose this.
I want what every woman wants at 2 am: Breakfast.
Don’t be fooled – orca whales are just penguins set to widescreen 16:9 instead of the usual 4:3.