The word “karaoke” comes from an old Chinese proverb meaning: “go home, you’re drunk.”
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*doctor administers experimental anti bad joke serum*
how do you feel?
“with my hands”
let’s give it a minute
Keep yourself entertained during quarantine by taking daily mail comments and putting them on New Yorker cartoons to create your own satirical comics.
Have you heard about a new sport called Quiet Tennis?
It’s like regular tennis but without the racket.
First thing I’m doing after getting vaccinated is going to visit my little brother. Second thing I’m doing is waiting until he uses the restroom to sync my phone with his Nest thermostat so I can change the temperature in his home from anywhere in the world. This is how I love.
I told my husband that our toddler won’t eat tomatoes and he asked why not, as if toddlers are normal human beings
[classroom]
Nietzsche: whoever fights monsters should see to it that he does not become a monster. Any questions?Me: [googling how to fight a dragon] I have a few
[Voter registration]
Me: I just really need to be aligned with people who represent me and my ideals
Them: ma’am there is no “Antisocial Party”
I just had the biggest bowel movement of my life then turned around and the toilet was empty. Needless to say I completely lost my shit
if cat not enjoy being held… why baby sized?
turning my gender off to conserve energy
ive modified my phone to deliver electric shocks each time one of you unfollows me. The pain will make me kinder, humbler, and more powerful
*performs interpretive dance at your psych evaluation
You don’t need to buy an expensive exercise machine. Just do what I did and get a bean bag chair.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I put chips and salsa out for family and friends and didn’t use a Thanksgiving dish.
My girlfriend asked me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.
My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
”How’d you get that scar on your head?”
[remembers falling at the playground as a kid]
”Stopped a bank robbery”
Pepsi and Coke can’t even be in the same restaurant together and society wants us all to get along. Pffftt.
Mortal Kombat: FINISH HIM
Immortal Kombat: omg this is taking forever
Expect the unexporcupine.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who has to let out a Karate yell in order to stand up from tying their shoes.
“Your barbeque sauce is on my beagle!” “Your beagle is in my barbeque sauce!” *We both grin and put on bibs*
My 5 yo just told me she decided she will only have 2 kids, because “having 4 kids like you did is annoying Mommy”
………. she’s my 3rd kid.
girl: wanna have car sex?
me looking out the window at my car nervously: um… do I… do I put it in the muffler
If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong
Give a man a plane ticket and he’ll fly for a day.
Push a man out of a plane and he’ll fly for the rest of his life.
Her: I heard your sister went to the US.
Me: Yeah she did.
Her: Which state?
Me: Alaska.
Her: Cool, when she tells you, tell me.
[walks into aquarium]
me: hi can I just use your bathroom?
employee: sorry it’s for patrons only
me: ok fine I’ll take four sharks
Me in my 20’s: Naive af.
Me in my 40’s: Same af.