“Do me a solid” just sounds like you’re asking someone to poop for you and that’s kinda gross.
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If you saw how my wife attacks flying bugs in the house, you’d sleep with a knife under your pillow too.
2017 Resolution: spend more quality time with my son
*son begins describing his 500 new Pokémon cards*
Well, there’s always next year
You can’t rush stupid.
Do you hold your breath when people on TV are underwater or are you normal?
Whoever decided Halloween and daylight saving should happen in the same week should lose their calendar-setting privileges
Social butterfly? Nah.
I’m more like a social Sasquatch. Some people swear they’ve seen me, but no one really believes them.
That eye roll….
Sometimes, I like to establish dominance over my shorter friends by telling them we need to hurry, and then climbing up a staircase, two steps at a time.
If you feel yourself getting bored because you’ve spent too much of your day in bed, just roll to the other side. It’s like a fresh start
if i saw a ufo i would simply identify it. not that big of a deal
The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work
Me: it’s cold and wet.
Wipers: want me to smear the rain all over so you can’t see?
Me: n-no.
Defroster: I’ll fog every window in this car.
Me: why?
Windshield: here’s a small spot above the steering wheel to look through.
Me:
Windshield: I’m gonna need you to hunch over.
I put out peanuts for the birds every morning and they have started bringing me elastic bands. I don’t speak bird, what could this mean, and do I have to eat the elastic bands now?
[Driving]
HUBS: You just blew a stop sign!
ME: Jealous?
ME: I fear the number six.
THERAPIST: That’s odd.
ME: It’s even actually, but you’re a therapist not a mathematician.
I broke a lightbulb, smashed artwork, splattered milk from cereal bowls across kitchen walls and knocked over candles.
Fly is dead.
Can’t believe people still say “pot” it’s not the 70s anymore we call it “saucepan” now
Me: “Hey towel, you’re looking good. What u doing later?”
Wife: That’s not what I meant by pick up my towel. Just hand it to me, idiot.
hello, this is your hindsight talking, that is a very bad idea, don’t do that
Him: where do you wanna go eat?
Me after dropping big glob of bean dip on my shirt and scraping it off with a chip: someplace fancy
Walmart never delivered my grocery order but they gave me a $10 credit so I will give each of my thanksgiving guests a dollar in lieu of a meal. All is well.
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
Do you want contact-free delivery?
□ Yes
▣ No
A revolving door is an IQ test you can fail in public.
FUN PRANK: when a stranger hands you their phone to take a picture of their family, take a selfie instead and also steal their phone
Enable location? Seriously, Twitter? Have you met some of these folks?
[tv news room]
CHIEF: we need someone to cover the hurricane
PRODUCER: ok who do we hate the most
I just killed two birds with one stone and my next door neighbor looks horrified.
If you work for UPS or FedEx, you speak Parceltongue.
[news anchor]
“New study shows that sex can lower blood pressure.”
Me: Did-
Wife: Your blood pressure is fine