Therapist: When you look in the mirror, what do you see?Me: I see myself you friggin idiot. Let me see your degree
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2018 guy: girls wear so much makeup lol
1018 guy: I can’t even tell who i’m married to because everyone’s face is covered in dirt
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
[Safari]
“Remember, when you’re near water beware of wild hippos.”Don’t worry, I’m prepared for that.
*shows handful of white marbles*
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
Chaos is my favourite word that’s spelled like it means it.
WIFE: Remember to check for firmness
ME: When should kids be allowed to date?
TOMATO: Minimum of 18 years old imo
ME: OK this one is good
My coworker’s nose is whistling as he breathes and that fact alone should allow me to cop a sweet plea deal for what’s about to happen here
[Taylor Swift on toilet, going #2. Kanye jumps out of her shower]
“Yo, Taylor- I’m really happy for you & I’m-a let you finish, but…”
This is the cutest stalk I’ve ever seen. The ear scratching is just the best 😂
Women who always hustle to clean the house before the maid service arrives..
What the hell is wrong with you?!
Going into a teenagers room is like going to IKEA…
You only go in for one thing, but you come out with 6 mugs, a cake tin, and a set of cutlery!
The easter bunny left a note, it simply said:
Happy easter-fools day, I’ve hidden the deviled eggs around the house and turned the heat way up, you probably have about 25-30 minutes left before shit gets real bad!
Have a blessed day,
EB
A psychologist on a podcast I listen to just said “if you want to be less anxious you need to worry less” so thank god he spent $80k on his PhD because this is absolute gold
27 years ago I snot-bubble cried during Mufasa’s death scene and I am now while watching it with my 8 year old AND THAT CYBORG DIDN’T SHED ONE DAMN TEAR!!!
[commercial]
Narrator: These are real people and not actors-Actor watching the commercial: *throws lamp at TV* WE’RE PEOPLE TOO!
So, wearing fur is wrong but wearing a Hawaiian shirt is OK? Do they even know how many Hawaiians had to die to make that shirt?
Do dogs think humans are in a constant battle to claim toilets?
I bought a Christmas tree today and the salesman asked if I was going to put it up myself. I said no, I’m going to put it in the living room.
remember
only for emergencies
Apostrophes was the Greek god of confusing grammar.
therapist: so what would you like to talk about this session?
me: lois lane must have been like the shittiest reporter
My girlfriend didn’t hear what I said while I was sitting beside her on the couch so to make sure she heard me I went in the other room and muttered under my breath
i’m reading this thesaurus. it’s really interesting, or should i say… very interesting.
Bonfire is French for “good fire.”
Man on train saying he’s in back-to-back meetings all day, I suggested trying face-to-face meetings. He left without thanking me.
Always get worried when I see a “thieves operate here” sign. Who is letting thieves do surgery?
“I love you and I will always keep you safe.”
DAUGHTER: What about bees?
“I love you and I will sometimes keep you safe.”
Me: yeah so I think that Mario didn’t even care about saving the princess, he just really hated turtles
Game theory professor: w- what