Yaba daba do not resuscitate
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I switched to insurance fraud and saved $235,000
My boyfriend is tall, strong, protective and flashes me regularly.
Oh no wait. I’m thinking of a lighthouse again.
There’s nothing worse than being in public & you touch something that shouldn’t be sticky & it is.
I wonder if soap opera actors know how to carry on regular conversations in real life or if they’re just always saying part of a thought
You haven’t lived until you’ve had a dog give you the “Jesus Christ go to bed already” look
I’m sorry. I know I said hi, but I wasn’t really prepared for any follow-up conversation.
Why is no one talking about how hamsters taste NOTHING like ham?!
me: lord if you’re up there, give me a sign
booming voice from above: LOG OFF
me: that could’ve been anyone
[at mechanic]
me: *kicking wheel* this baby needs a realignment
mechanic: we don’t do shopping carts
Airlines will call themselves Air France then fly from Costa Rica to Germany
Sailors who are unable to stop a ship properly are sent to 2 weeks of court-ordered anchor management.
I want to go on the record by saying I love my family but if I have to spend any longer with them you’ll be seeing me on the 6 o’clock news.
[bar]
Me: I’m drunk
Carpenter: i’m hammered
Dry Wall Guy: i’m plastered
Garbage Man: i’m trashed
Beekeeper: i’m buzzed
Accountant: i’m totaled
Quarterback: i’m blitzed
Scuba Diver: i’m tanked
English Professor: i’m lit
Plumber: i’m shitfaced
Hulk: i’m smashed
Youth: i’m wasted
My husband had an affair in my dream, but I still love him. And if I ever talk to him again, I’ll tell him.
It’s adorable when you give someone an informed opinion that they completely dismiss and then someone else basically says the exact same thing and now it’s a brilliant idea they’ve never heard before.
Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
Before I was married I had no idea I was sneezing wrong.
Serious question… Would Titanic have been more romantic if they had both died, but holding hands and floating, like otters?
It’s the weekend; time to get my nopes up.
I’m pretty confident I can perform this Appendectomy on myself.
Thanks YouTube
Remember, you are statistically more likely to be killed by a donkey than a plane crash.
[Donkey Pilot turns and does throat slit gesture]
Men are like my peloton – I always think going for a ride is a good idea and then 5 mins in I’m sweating profusely and questioning everything
There are two ice cream trucks on my street right now.
Okay, Feds.
The First Step in AAA is admitting your car has a problem.
Wife: I swear, it’s like you never even listen to me!!!
Me: Sounds great, Dear.
Meanwhile on Facebook – remember that guy you worked with for 18 months in 2001 well guess what he has a brother shall we send him a friend request?
I told my kids to follow their hopes and dreams, as long as their hopes and dreams lead them out of my house when they’re 21.
[airport]
GF: I guess this is goodbye
ME: I told you, I’m not very good at goodbyes
GF: [crying] Goodbye
ME: [trying real hard] Hello
It is what it is. Unless it’s cauliflower. Then it is what it isn’t.
[at office Halloween party]
Me: *walks in*
Diane: *faints*
Boss: *drops wine glass*
Kyle: *winks*
Bob: Hey…your hospital gown is on backwards