I can’t stop thinking about this shirt
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I’m smarter than I look. I was gonna say -more intelligenter- but wasn’t sure how to spell it so…
Halloween is the best because it’s the one day my kids go around demanding snacks from everyone else.
[giving commencement address at graduation]
“My fellow graduates, the best life advice I have is: if you don’t already know how many calories are in a tortilla, never look it up”
You know your life has changed when you and your spouse spend over an hour breaking down the social scene of a 4yo’s birthday party like it’s an episode of housewives
Buy all the cute stuffed animals you want but your toddler is going to sleep with a spatula instead
kidnapper: we have your son
dad: oh my god let me talk to him
kidnapper: very well
dad: listen son money doesn’t grow on trees
The main argument you always hear from football pundits is that Premier League matches should be decided by which team correctly answers the most questions about World War 1. Not me, though. I think it’s a bad idea and we should continue to use football as the deciding factor 👎.
If anyone tells me doing something is a piece of cake, I presume it will gradually kill me by making me fat.
If I hug you for more than 3 seconds, I’m probably picking your pockets.
damn. it takes a long time to soft boil 3 eggs when you don’t even turn the stove burner on in the first place
High heels are beautiful and sexy until you wear them for 5 minutes and want to throw them against a wall.
2019 stress ball: ●
2020 stress ball: |
Nice try, NASA
To gangs that carve their names into public toilet seats:
A) Why?
B) Haha, you touched a public toilet seat.
Of all the things I could be called, on the phone is my least favourite.
Despite what we’ve been lead to believe,
nobody really really really wants a zigga zig ahh
HER: this isn’t working out
ME: is it because I’m too literal?
HER: I just don’t want to see you any more
ME: ok *gently closes her eyes*
My nickname in high school was “who?”
I eat the first half of a burrito to get full, I eat the second half to teach myself a lesson
If you give a man a fish you kinda suck at picking out gifts.
“Here taste this ” followed by a 32 minute speech on all the ingredients.
[the cops release the cadaver sniffing dogs into my living room for the third time this week]
ME: *pauses netflix* I told you I’m not dead!
If you hold the door open for me when I’m more than ten feet away, you aren’t doing me a favor. You’re making me exercise.
AVOCADO: Hello I’m good fat
BACON: *lights cigarette* *punches avocado*
Be the chaos you wish to see in the world:
Day 16,607:
Still not stuck on a deserted island, and beginning to lose hope
The hardest part of your divorce will be finding a recent attractive photo of yourself to upload to dating sites.
I don’t want to sound like an alarmist but
Wooooop Wooooop
Rearrearrearrear
Booloo Booloo Booloo
Weeuuuweeuuuweeuuu
Beeep Beeep Beeep Beeep
what if aliens really do exist but all they do is steal chapstick from us bc that’s how they fuel their spaceships?
you could tell me any fact about how dangerous animals are in australia and I’d believe you. they got vampire bees? of course they do. dogs don’t need a permit to carry a gun? I won’t even google it.