Women, when you say: “We should move into a better house.”
A man hears: “My plan is to force you to work till the day you die.”
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Goldfish1: Check out my new castle.
Goldfish2: Castles are symbols of feudalistic oppression of the agrarian working class.
Goldfish1: Calm down. Take a lap around the bowl.
[5 seconds later]
Goldfish2: Hey, cool castle!
when my four year old asked “mommy does a snowman have 3 balls?” I realized my biggest problem is im just not, nor will i ever be, mature enough to have kids
Everything goes as planned when nothing’s planned.
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
son: can I borrow your tie for my interview
dad: my what
son: I need a tie
dad: one more time
son: *sighs* your business necklace
How I flirt with my husband:
I’m about to go to Whole Foods, so don’t report a purchase of $275 for eggs and milk
[My date and I both speak at the same time]
Me: Haha sorry! You go firstDate: I was just gonna say I love this wine, and the food is delicious. What were you gonna say?
Me: Should male sheep be called heep?
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: Medium Double Quarter Pounder meal please.
Cop: Step out of the vehicle.
Me: Sprite.
[Jews being led out of Egypt]
Woman: *mumbles* 40 years? He couldn’t just stop & ask directions?
Moses: WHO SAID THAT? NO MANNA FOR YOU!
My Conservative Uncle Read More Thanksgiving Argument Guides Than Me and Turned Me Racist
i remember when i was like 19 i met sza and i told her ctrl got me through a break up and then she goes “aww babe that makes me so happy. how are you now?” and i go “back with him” and she said nothing and we just sat in silence.
I still lie about my age when asked. But, instead of shaving years off, I now add years on. If you tell someone you’re 66, they generally just nod in reaction. But, if you tell them you’re 73, you stand a very good chance of hearing, ‘Wow! You look great for 73!’
[Getting lucky on the first date]
Me: Hey, there’s an onion ring in my fries!
Dracula: well? do I have any cavities?
Dentist: *using tiny mirror* hmm I… I can’t tell
Million Dollar Idea ~ A bathroom mirror that takes pictures.
*looks out the window, sees bubonic plague is back*
Mondays, amirite?
*takes your order*
*goes to kitchen*
*comes back*
“did you say grilled cheese or gorilla cheese?”
grilled
*sighs*
*goes to kitchen*
China over there sending us Valentines day balloons to woo us amd we just shoot them down and enemy-zone them.
My husband’s parenting style is to menacingly say “Yeah!” after everything I say when I reprimand the kids.
I’m at the age where I look good “for my age”
Hubs: Kids are still asleep! Know what that means?
Me: We have to be quick!
*Runs to the hidden box of Cocoa Puffs and pours 2 big bowls*
serial killer: you’re in for a slow and agonizing death
me: so you’re gonna let me live
Me: “What’s the haps, yo?”
19yo niece: …
Me: …
19yo niece: …
Me: “I’m sorry.”
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
Stress makes you gain weight as you get older.
So I’m basically a puffer fish now.
There are 3 types of people:
1. Dog people
2. Cat people
3. Clean house people
My husband’s birthday is soon and today I put a reminder on the calendar to buy him a gift.
Our shared calendar.
At least he already knows not to expect much.
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
dentist: the guy in the waiting room says your mother is ugly
patient: he doesn’t even know my mom
dentist: maybe you should punch him in the teeth
This strange woman won’t stop talking to me so I’m going to stare at her eyebrows until she gets paranoid and leaves me alone.