got kicked out of Home Depot for trying to ride the forklift into the bathroom again
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There’s “disappointment” and then there’s “Waiter walking past my table with food I thought was mine disappointment”
Fairly sure most parole boards are more lenient than my wife in deciding who gets our holiday card
The other night enough comedian friends complimented my sweater that I became certain they were making fun of me.
*wanders around an office I don’t work at because someone held the door open for me when I was walking by and I didn’t want to be rude*
Theres plenty of fish in the sea. Theres loads of trash at the dump. Theres tons of bones in a skeleton. Bugs are everywhere.
I have my own music. Stand outside my house holding a cheesecake over your head.
Instacart – For when you still want someone to call you from the store about your grocery list but you don’t want to be married to them.
[immigration hall]
Agent: are you traveling for business or pleasure?
Me, after flying 8 hours for revenge: both
me: *slides $10 to barista* you know what to do
barista: [when my drink is ready] Brad Pitt!
me: oh no i’m not him lol. people confuse us all the time though.
Star Wars? Nope
Never had any interest in watching something that starred a woman whose hair made her look like one of my dad’s tractors.
Me: Have fun on your date.
Son: What if she drinks too much, or gets high?
Me: You really aren’t my kid are you?
I dreamt last night that a bear broke into my house and made chili in the crockpot. It was delicious.
While those 2 guys at the bar were just fantasizing about what they’d do with powerball winnings, I stole their ticket.
imagining an 18 year old X Æ A-12 trying to think of an online password but just using his name
I’m cat sitting for my daughter, and she sent me three pages of instructions, along with a video tutorial. Anyways, what’s a cat? She never specified that part.
ME: I played Wordle today
SON: great
ME: Do you know what Wordle is?
SON: no
ME: It’s like Mastermind but instead instead of colors it’s letters
SON: great
ME: Do you know what Mastermind is?
SON: no
My son just walked into the room, said hello, asked how I was, then left.
He didn’t actually want anything.
I know! Incredible!
Oh and then I fainted.
Judge: you’re guilty of inventing the word ‘liarish’
Me: you can’t be seriousful
Some of you never rooted for Godzilla and it shows.
Strong people don’t put others down. They lift them up.
And throw them.
me: ..but is it peri-NE-um or per-IN-eum?
priest: for the third time, confession does not need to be this specific
I’ve said some things, and if I could take them back I would, but if it’s not too late, I’d like my sub toasted
I don’t want a sugar daddy but maybe like a sugar buddy. I just hit him up like “Hey how are you today?” and he replies “Doing great thanks for asking here’s $7,000. “
Me: Excuse me waiter, my fish is ice cold
Waiter [who is a penguin]: *eats the fish*
Every time we have an eclipse, I hear someone say, “This won’t happen again for another 150 years,” but then the shit happens every year and a half.
Honey, can we skip that wedding this weekend?
“What? Why?”
It sounds boring and there’s no way that couple makes it..
“It’s OUR wedding!”
My son made the mistake of telling me I was being overdramatic so I just changed the WiFi password.
We’ll see who’s overdramatic in about 2 minutes.
[Command Center]
*opens map*
*traces route*
*marks intercept point*
*drives*
*waits*
*target arrives
*tackles*Liquor Delivery Guy: Again?
*Godzilla screeching in pain as he accidentally steps on Legoland*