The hardest part of my kid unexpectedly falling out of her chair unprovoked is waiting until her back is turned so I can laugh.
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*A demon tries to posses my soul while I sleep but can’t because he’s choking on all of the axe body spray I’m wearing*
“Why do old people keep getting scammed by phone calls?” wonders a generation that just sent a headshot and access to the data stored on their iPhones to a company they’ve never heard of before
“Doctor: Put the IV in.
Nurse: The 4 what?”
– chronic problem in Roman emergency rooms
God: letting you name each other’s breeds was brilliant on my part.
Cat: for the dogs I got Great Dane, Saint Bernard, and Golden Retriever : )
God: nice! your turn Dog!
Dog: oh.
Cat: I’m so excited!
Dog: alleycat.
Cat:
Dog: look I didn’t know we were being serious.
It’s Saturday, so I’m as lazy as the guy who drew the Japanese flag.
I’m not your GameBoy, quit pushing my buttons
Oh, you’ve got 99 problems?
Amateur.
Who called them cat allergies and not meowlergies
Me on all social media accounts after taking one good picture
When you and your favorite bird are very high at the zoo
Boyf said I look really pretty when I’m concentrating…I realised its cos I’m quiet! Either way it’s the last time I let him watch me poo
me: what’s the best way to get healthy?
doctor: diet and exercise
me: what’s the next best?
Is that Carl?
Oh hey Carl
He wanted to come over but I only have one dozen donuts
Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa dept]
Funny how “criminal attorney” can be understood in two different ways.
Doing stand up comedy feels like I’m doing a book report on a book I didn’t read.
sibling culture is not talking to each other for awhile and then texting them “this is you” along with a picture of an ugly bird you found online
Scientists are just wizards who don’t take fashion risks.
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
Kid, when asked to do a chore: “I hope this isn’t gonna become a habit.”
I passed out in an alley last night and woke up being initiated into a raccoon street gang.
Her: are you single?
[flashback to 2011 where I tried to kiss a girl but she turned away and I kissed her cheek]
Me: haha idk
I’ll make sure my house is clean when you first come over to visit
But after that I don’t care because you’ve seen it clean once
Maybe she’s born with it. Maybe she studied abroad for one semester and came back with an accent.
She didn’t understand so I took her hands & looked in her eyes & said “I know this is a Starbucks but I just want plain black coffee idiot.”
“I hate fancy restaurants. I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
To keep track of us all in the 50’s mom just hung us up on the clothes line.
My axe boyfriend was a lumberjack.
I’m sorry.