me: can you calm down
The Leg Bounce™: I literally cannot
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*releases frozen turkey back into the ocean
Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
I’m no longer allowed to keep my car window open at stop lights because of my genius for accurately describing pedestrians.
My toddler got me up at 4:30am because “Eeyore said it’s morning” Stupid donkey ruining my life
My kid told me her toy tarantula and bat had babies and I’ll never sleep again
don’t date writers. they will send you their screenplay after a day of talking and it’s like OH now I have homework???
Magneto: Never trust a beautiful woman, especially one who seems interested in you.
Me: *on the couch eating Ruffles in sweatpants* Yeah.
I swear they do that thing where they close a lane of traffic, cut out holes, and then refill them with new concrete just to piss me off
Cat: I think i have a rash.
Doctor Dog: WE SHOULD AMPUTATE YOUR HEAD
“Why am I not asleep?” he thought, while shining a beam of pure information directly into his eyes from eight inches away.
Everyone is awful in their own special way.
I just got really sad thinking about Voldemort trying to enjoy a nice day at the beach but his sunglasses won’t stay on his face
Santa is basically a fat man who doesn’t understand how robbery is supposed to work.
My grasp of English, my journalism degree, and my sanity are all in question since I instructed my kids to put on “long sleeve pants” this morning
“I drive like lightening.” “You drive fast?” “No. I hit trees.”
I have a friend who’s SUPER into Shakespeare.
She’s bardcore.
“I’m not letting you outside again,” I say to my dog right before I let her outside again.
ME: this is great
INSTRUCTOR: you’ve never used a gun before, huh?
ME: [throwing another gun at the target] I need more guns
Me, in my teens: *tries a new hobby*
Me, in my 20s: *tries a new career*
Me, in my 30s: *tries a new burner on my stove*
[creation]
GOD: You each have a gift
WORM: What’s mine?
G: You…spin silk
BEE: How bout me?
G: Uh…make honey
HIPPO: And me?
G: Hm…eat marbles
If empaths don’t exist then explain how we know so much. For instance I can tell right now that you’re frustrated with me and you think I’m stupid
Gonna start messing with people in public bathrooms and say “oh I recognize those shoes!”
Bad cop *plants drugs in perps car*
Gardener cop *adds mulch & Miracle-Gro®*
My phone dies, freeing me from my prison. I look up at the world. Deer live in my house.
If I’ve ever had a crush on you, it means I’ve daydreamed about our first fight, our wedding, named our future dog, and retained a divorce lawyer.
apparently this year was written by stephen king
[Lingerie store]
ME: I’d like to buy some underwear for my wife.
ASSISTANT: Satin?
ME: No, I’d prefer new ones.
Today was an exception because the bacon grease splattered me in the eye while I was frying, so naturally I had to eat more bacon than usual because vengeance. But yes, I generally stop at a pound per meal.
If you drink 6 RedBulls in less than an hour, they’re not allowed to arrest you for stealing a bus. Read the can if you don’t believe me.
Psssst … Hey buddy … One hit of this stuff’ll take you right back to ’79
*slides over packet of Pop Rocks*