“HONEY, ITS THE BANK. SOMEBODY USED YOUR CARD TO BUY A HUMAN HAMSTER WHEEL??”
Me [from basement, out of breath] “what”
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I’m so hungry I could eat a hor—
*horse walks by snorting aggressively*
ticulturalist
*horticulturalist pops up trimming hedge aggressively*
Him: Correct me if I’m wrong.
Me: Oh don’t worry, I will.
[seductively takes off mom jeans]
Me:[ziiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii—
Him: [checks watch, pays bills, watches baseball game, sends our kids off to college]
Me: —iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiip]
If I was a Jedi my most common use of the force would probably be rebooting the router.
[heaven’s IT department]
Ok, I see why your computer’s crashing. Have you been closing doors again?
God: Yes, why?
Too many open windows
standing over the sink eating leftovers with my dad like we are two bears that just broke into someones home
I don’t pick my nose in the car. I’m worried the airbag will deploy and force my finger into my brain.
Okay everybody it’s Zero Hour for this website, post your favorite tweets and give them a little kiss goodbye.
My wife and children normally go to bed around 8:45. I do not. My house is very quiet and I am able to get a lot of work done while they’re sleeping.
About a minute ago, I turned around in my office just as my wife was coming to say hello.
I am ashamed of the scream I made.
Husband: Why is your Facebook relationship status “it’s complicated”?
Me: …
Women say they want a guy who can make them laugh. I’d probably have done better if they’d specified that they didn’t mean by tickling.
I just got a paper cut from a 108 yr old book so I’m sitting here waiting to turn into a vampire
Its not what it looks like officer!
“you were driving down the highway taking selfies singing n’sync”
Ok I guess it was what it looked like
Skills
“Hey dad”
Liam Neeson: OMG WERE U-
“Just called to say hi”
Neeson: [Gutted] Oh. Thanks. Well give me a call if-
“If I get taken, yes I know”
My neighbor Ron is mad at me just because my book ‘The Many Lawn Care Mistakes of My Neighbor Ron’ is a hit with both critics and readers.
“Don’t touch that. You don’t know where it’s been.”
“I don’t think you washed your hands long enough. Go wash them again.”
“In this house we cover our mouths when we cough.”
My parents did a better job preparing me for adulthood than they knew.
-Writing a parenting book.
-Calling it ” I’m going to give you a good reason to cry.”
my doctor: you should snack less, it can really hurt you in the long run
me: *nodding* no more running, got it
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed everyone in Chernobyl?
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Ma’am you can’t take that on the plane
ME: This is my therapy ham
[girl interrupting my sexting] please eat the potato salad with your mouth closed
I never feel more productive than when I’m watching cleaning videos.
Honestly the Bible is pretty good for God’s first book
Me: let’s go get a baby dinosaur.
Wife: where are we going to get a baby dinosaur?
M: at the babysaurus store.
W: Baby’s R Us you idiot.
The guy in the stall beside doesn’t know he can shut off his camera shutter…..
Cops said my blood alcohol level was above the legal limit which is crazy because I don’t even drink blood alcohol.
Sorry, when you said you needed someone to listen to your problems, I assumed you meant by eavesdropping on your therapy sessions.
you’re never too old to achieve your dreams. prince charles is 73 and he just got his first job.
Them: You should try keto
Me: