I shouldn’t have to go to work if it’s rainy. i should get to stare out the window all day like a cat.
You Might Also Like
I’m vacuuming all the snacks out of the couch in the game room and my dog is devastated because I found her secret stash.
Donald Duck can walk around Disney pantless and everyone loves him, but when I do it, it’s “indecent”?
Tweet thieves know how to take a joke.
Her: Do you have any fantasies?
Me: Probably a ham sandwich that’s a metre long
Her: No I meant like hot ones
Me: Oh yeah I’d toast the bread
“if you could be any animal what would you be”
a cat
“why a cat”
[imagines being a complete shithead for literally no reason]
naps and stuff
Are these fish:
A. A different species
B. The same species
C. These two fish aren’t even from the same ocean and aren’t closely related
$19.99 because $20 is an outrageous amount of money!
[During lull in conversation at party]
ME: Do you think you’re closer to your own birth or your own death? Let’s go around the room.
[everyone in the STI clinic glaring at my Pokemon shirt]
“No no it means like, I want to catch all the Pokemon”
What happens in the elevator stays in the elevator.
My wedding vows were until death do us part. Yet nowhere did they specify cause of death…
*drinks beer from my glass slipper*
the only thing i know about cooking is you gotta terrorize the meat
“Nevertheless”
~ Me, when choosing a piece of cake or pie
Me, at 20: I’d really like kids one day!
Me: at 40 with 3 kids: I’ve changed my mind
[Date]
Me: how about a drink? get whatever floats your boat
Her: thanks! i’ll have a mai tai
Me: *glaring* you float a boat with water karen
There’s nothing like sitting by an open fire..watching the evidence burn.
Tubi just be putting anything on here… I just saw me walking by. 🤦🏽♀️
INVENTOR OF ELECTRIC BICYCLES: what if an eleven year old could go as fast as cars
I had to send a small item back to Amazon, so I put it in a refrigerator sized box and sent it on its way
[me as a snake handler]
Hi, I’m here to put handles on all your snakes.
DOG: [looking out the window] wat a beautiful mornimg! the sky is grey, the grass is grey, the birds are grey and readey to eat,
[After reading vows]
Me: Why are you upset?
Her:
Me: Was it the Donald-
Her: Yes, it was the Donald Duck voice.
Please, sir. Your gold chain is too arousing.
I tried so hard and got so far
But in the end, I’d like to add you to my professional networkLinkedIn Park
I am, perchance
People who enjoy salt & vinegar chips are a sturdier breed, more prepared for life’s challenges