Every surgery is exploratory if you’re confused enough
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There are a million designers working on making website buttons have better gradients and none working on the cord that changes how fast your ceiling fan is going. Literally no one knows what speed their fan is on or what will happen if they pull the cord again
“My favorite New Year’s resolution was to stop trying to reason with unreasonable people. This has reduced both my correspondence and my blood pressure.”
BREAKING: I am a medical miracle
Cherry seeds are just the pits.
I’d like to apologize…
To anyone I have not offended.
I’ll be with you momentarily.
Hendrix didn’t need to twerk on stage. He performed the old fashioned way, relying only on his musical talents and near lethal doses of LSD.
Me: oh wow, this shop has everything my heart desires!
Spooky shopkeeper: yes, I will warn you… every item comes with a price.
Me: yes, I know how shops work
*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
I don’t have kids, so at night, my dogs lovingly place shards of bones instead of Lego’s on my path to the restroom…
The ocean is full of sharks, jellyfish, man-eating octopus, and nightmare whales, but make sure you wait a half-hour after eating to go in.
Is the Paleo diet the one where you only eat dinosaurs?
Airports shops be like, sure you’ve got everything? here, buy a surfboard just in case you forgot to pack one
Hard not to take this personally
A health scare but it’s just someone putting a salad in front of me.
*takes out one earbud*
“not guilty, your honor”
God: you’re a fire ant.
Fire Ant: what does that mean?
God: when you bite something it burns like fire.
Fire Ant: [gasp] you mean I’m a dragon?
God: what-no.
Fire Ant: i’m the teensiest dragon!
*nervously plays with tie*
“I’m sorry. I’m no good during job interviews.”
That’s ok, just let go of my tie and go on your side of the desk.
Fun date idea: Put a fake diamond ring in your dessert and act like your date proposed. Men love that.
Every time I see people kiss goodbye as they get out of a car, I think how lucky I am that I didn’t get that Uber driver.
“…and use only your finest microwaves.”
– me, trying to impress my date at Applebee’s
ANDY: I clarified your butter.
ME: Ghee! Thanks!
Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you save from no longer having a social life.
My son: Did you hear about the guy who got injured playing peek-a-boo?
Me: No
Son: he’s in the ICU
(car shopping w/ teenage son)
Me: What do you think about this one?
Son: Well…I was kinda looking for leather seats.
Me: Leather seats??? You’re lucky it has seats.
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
Toasters are just Jack in the Boxes for adults.
Note to self:
Next time your migraine specialist asks “How’s your head?” Don’t reply with “No man has ever complained.”
#NoRestForTheWicked
Just bought a set of alphabet magnets for my fridge, so this may very well be my last tweet.
“Babe I wanna ask you something”
*gets down on one knee*
“When The Little Mermaid became human, how’d she know to use a toilet?”
*ties shoe*