“YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER” – salt
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A man accidentally made eye contact with me on the train, so I left my shoe behind.
And now, we wait…
“Stomach…Lungs…Kidneys….Heart.” –
Me, at my organ recital.(Not even slightly sorry)
Don’t ask about my weird flex, this is the position I’m stuck in.
Emotional awareness simply means recognizing, respecting, and accepting your feelings as they happen.
📸: @livinglyfree
#emotion #positivemindset #PositiveVibes #selfcare #selfcare
Not to brag but I walked by a group of guys today and heard one of them say “See? That’s why I’m gay.”
It’s embarrassing when my wife pats me down for concealed chicken nuggets in front of our friends.
It’s sad how many people out there are not getting the lobotomy surgery they need
Gremlins(1984): a shopkeeper with a creature so powerful it could destroy all human life gives it to a 12yo boy. Many lives are lost.(PG13)
Not arguing with people in 2024, I’m just gonna say “it makes sense that you would think that”
I’m in line behind a lady with 100 coupons so come visit me in jail, OK?
I distinctly remember back in January saying “I wish I could spend more time home.”
To all of you I deeply apologize for not saying “world peace”.
Drop it! Please, just DROP IT.
– My dog, whenever I’m eating.
[thanksgiving dinner]
Me: *to my racist uncle* hahah now who’s being too sensitive
My aunt: *scrambling for an epipen* did you give him shrimp?!
People who argue on their cell phones in public should have to do it on speakerphone so the rest of us can get both sides
*waves to the bagged salad i’ll throw out in a few days as i get ketchup for my fries
No one
Absolutely no one
My kid: when you die, can I keep your brain in a jar?
You want me to eat this Caesar salad with this fork and knife you provided? You know what they did to Caesar with a knife?
You’re telling me that you paid eight dollars for a cup of coffee…
They don’t put any booze in it or nothin?
Pink has done surprisingly well as a solo artist ever since her and Floyd split up.
{During Mass}
Priest: Can someone please check on the woman screaming the rosary in the confessional booth?
I passed gas and my husband asked if I said something so I’ve been laughing for 28 minutes now.
“Check engine”
Yep, it’s still there.
What idiot named her Miley Cyrus’ grandma and not Nana Montana.
DOCTOR: Your baby seems a bit sluggish
SNAIL WIFE: Oh no
HUSBAND: *thinks about their slug neighbour* I KNEW IT
Dear Middle School,
How about a separate science fair for kids who did their own projects?
Sincerely,
Parent Who Can’t Build A Robot
Doing couples therapy by myself to try and get double the help
uncle dave has been through hell
reminder that one halloween i got an “unknown activity” alert on my security camera and it was me in a shrek costume
When I see how my boys have loaded the dishwasher I think, “Maybe their father is my cousin.”
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get both into and out of the shower.