LOCAL BOTS ARE SICK AND TIRED OF PRETENDING TO BE HOT LOCAL SINGLES AND WANT YOU TO ACCEPT THEM AS THEY ARE; LINES OF CODE AND NOTHING MORE
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Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: I don’t know when to quit.
Interviewer: You’re hired!
Me: I quit.
crazy
[Me getting cut off in traffic]
GET OFF YOUR PHONE AND WATCH WHERE YOU’RE GOING!
[Notices USMC sticker]
AND THANK YOU FOR YOUR SERVICE!
I wonder if Medusa’s husband felt like he was being taken for granite.
Has this person in front of me ever used a drive thru?
– everyone
Who called it an organic buffet instead of a natural selection?
I broke my finger yesterday. On the other hand, I’m okay.
“No man is an island.”
– someone with a basic grasp of land forms and human biology
People who are complaining of shoveling driveways, haven’t you heard of moving?
I met my wife through a mutual friend. Despite being together for 18 years, married for 14, in my head sometimes I still refer to her as “Alan’s friend”.
I have decided to switch to a spite-based diet
Someone just posted an article on Facebook and said “file this under sad.” WAS I SUPPOSED TO BE FILING EVERYTHING
If men knew the effect their scent has on women, they’d shower more and fart less.
The problem of guns in schools would be eliminated if society finally had the courage to outlaw schools.
PILOT: Welcome to flying school. Any questions?
ME: Is it possible to crash into a rainbow?
PILOT: Yes it’s how most of you will die. Next?
Dads! Please say the whole of the sentence in the same room.
Thanks.
Dear kangaroos, what’s stopping you from looking like this?
We need a streaming service that’s only ads. No shows, just commercials. They pay us $15 a month
My wife is an economist and I am an engineer. I was watching my wife make her breakfast one morning, and noticed that she made way too many trips to get each of the items she needed. So I said in my best engineer voice, “Hey sweetheart, why don’t you utilize the load…
its a good thing we swallow 8 spiders a year bc if it werent for those spiders, we’d be swalowing hundreds of flies and smaller insects
hey 🙂 if you’re having a good day, i just want you to know that tarantulas can swim
“This was the only way I could speak with you in private. That human woman? She’s trying to kill you.”
has anyone told parents they can show affection without posting the ugliest picture of you in existence
Dis earing letters?
There’s an ‘app’ for that.
Spielberg’s movie “Catch Me If You Can” but it’s just me making up jobs I have so I don’t need to volunteer at school.
I almost hit a deer tonight. But then he took back what he said about my mom and we hugged it out.
Back to having zero haters, feels good.
I can’t tell if this store is out of Scotch Invisible Tape or not.
Make your day better by imagining people you don’t like floating helplessly into the sun.
The most Seattle thing ever: I ran into a woman on my street using a mason jar with a light in it to look for her lost chicken
Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg, and some days you’re the guy who jumped off and hit a propeller on the way down.