My Kid: Are dinosaurs real?
Me: yes but they died
Kid: why did you kill them?
M: I didn’t!
Kid: did you forget to water them like our plants
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“That’ll be $19.94.”
*pulls out $50 bill*
“Sorry, we’ve had a problem with counterfeit bills. Have anything smaller?”
*pulls out $25 bill*
Florida’s state motto should be “hold my beer.”
I support Greenpeace because I care about environmental activism, just not enough to do any of the real work myself.
Wishy-washy sounds like someone that’s optimistically clean.
[on a first date]
Me: So do you like puppies?
Her: Oh I love them
Me: Ok, so we’ll both have the puppies
Waiter: Excellent choice, sir
For sale: Baby, won’t stop selling its shoes.
A new study suggests that a future study will completely contradict this study.
I forgot the word “umbrella” so I offered to share my roof on a stick.
I wish my ex could look down from heaven see my “look at me now” life!
but nooooo, he’s still alive
Me: I hope I get a good night’s sleep.
My dog at 1 AM: Hey I just did a huge diarrhea on the carpet.
‘Sorry officer but how was I to know that weird noise my car was making was a bicycle stuck in my mudflap?’
The basketball shot clock was invented in 1954 after a player hid the ball under his shirt for 48 minutes and told everyone he was pregnant.
[French restaurant]
DANIEL: Promise me, not again
MIYAGI: Promise. [raises hand] Garcon?
[waiter comes]
D: Don-
M: [waves hand] Garcoff
Employee: Everything I eat goes right through me.
Me: Yup, that’s how digestion works.
Been yelling i need a job at my phone for 6 hrs each day so that I get targeted ads about jobs. Now the jobs are looking for me.
I hate when you have 47 items and the cashier asks, “Do you need a bag?” Oh no, I’m heading right back to the circus, so I’ll just juggle all this shit for 6 miles”
If you tell me your deepest, darkest secrets, I promise I won’t tell anyone. Unless it will make me look important or interesting or funny.
*prints out my most successful tweets and mails them to my ex-girlfriends*
My husband let me sleep late and in that time he cleaned the kitchen, installed a new faucet, and took out the trash.
I don’t know what he did wrong, but frankly, I don’t mind if he keeps doing it.
I bought jalapeño chips so I wouldn’t have to share with my kids.
It’s not working. My daughter is just eating through the pain.She’s mine
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I do laundry “my way”.
Autocorrect is my menesis
Daughter announced there will be rain for Thanksgiving. We usually have turkey but with her cooking skills rain will taste better.
You get: 1 hour of extra sleep
You lose: the will to live after the sunsets at 4pm
Never understood the desperation behind placing ur order in English at KFC/McD. Heard a guy practicing his order while sanding in the queue.
The only time that my wife screams my name in bed is when I break wind in my sleep.
Beam me up, Scotty
Seam me up, tailor
Meme me up, internet
Team me up, sports agent
Steam me up, sauna
Dream me up, sleeper
Cream me up, barista
The midwest is a crazy place like it’s just corn and corn and corn and corn and then bam, viking restaurant.
If you put a hot dog in a blender and serve it with whipped cream people don’t ask to come over anymore