if you knew my origin story, you’d stop asking what’s wrong with me, and start asking if i want crayons with my placemat.
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A job site for heavily tattooed professionals called Inkedin
boss: why aren’t you working?
me: i didn’t see you coming!
[at my funeral]
puppeteer looks over at my wife: I’m so sorry, it was in his will
[i sit up in the casket]
Nine out of ten dentist recommend you renew your car warranty or your girl won’t do that thing you like!!!
Mom said angels are watching over me I’m just afraid they’re taking notes to make sure I go to hell.
[tree falls in forest]
[doesnt make a sound]
GUY IN CAMOUFLAGE: What the—
TREE: oh shit uhh AAHHHH I have fallen and I can’t get up aaahhh
Winters, when your handwriting turns out the same no matter which hand you use.
One time in med school we had a lecture on the dangers of sleep deprivation and it was an Alanis Morissette level of irony that the lecture was at 7am.
Me: *trying to hock a loogie*
Pawn shop owner: I’m not giving you any money for that.
My 4yo is crying because she has outgrown her clothes during quarantine.
Same girl, same.
“have you seen the gas prices?” no man i drive with my eyes closed because it’s scary
5yo [pulling a baby hat out of a drawer]: Why do we have this? Is this for when we have more babies?
Me: Ye-
Husband: NO MORE BABIES.
gingerbread man: hold on
[puts baking paper on the bed]
*kissing intensifies*
This summer, camp counselors all over the country will shine flashlights under their chins and read the headlines.
The most unbelievable thing in movies is when someone guesses the password of a computer that’s not theirs. I can’t even figure out my own password. That I changed yesterday.
Plowing through the mosh pit like hi *boop*…hi *boop*…hi *boop*
Before you commit to a dog name, go outside at 6:30 AM with no bra on and see how it feels begging that name to poo.
“If you’re not on medication no one will know how crazy you you are,” she said red flaggingly.
WIFE: I wish you would drop this stupid genie act
HUSBAND: honey I already told you, you’re out of wishes
Camping?
No thank you.If I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
I just said “bye – bye” when I ended a phone call, and now I’m debating on if I should have my milk & cookies before or after recess.
My five-year old grandson responded, “Not again!” when I asked if he’d like chicken nuggets, because a year ago we had chicken nuggets.
If you play a game with your wife where you pick one person you’d be allowed to sleep with choose a celebrity and not “Liz from Accounting.”
[at gym]
Him: How much do you bench?
Me: Way less than I couch.
If I were a music critic I would write things like, “He really steered that car into the driveway” or “Her music makes me want to eat a quality pizza”
I’d like to meet those almond milk farmers. Shake their teeny hands.
BT: “You’ve been prequalified for a low interest credit card!”
BR: “pass”BT: “Would you be interested in refinancing a loan?”
BR: “No thanks.”Bank Teller: “What color lollipop would you like today?”
Bank Robber: “JUST PUT THE MONEY IN THE BAG!”
We keep a potato masher in a drawer because sometimes it’s fun to not be able to open that drawer.
me: what kind of plane do you fly?
pilot: private.
me: it’s ok i won’t tell anyone.