I go to the bank wearing a Ski mask because I want everyone to know how athletic I am.
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This time last night, there was a spider so big in my bathroom it put me under a glass on a postcard and carried me out.
i’m a 44 y/o man that can’t pretend anymore wtf is a timothee chalamet
Dammit! Woke up before I went to sleep, again.
I have days when wearing a hat is the only use I have made of my head.
As a white person, I have a primal fear of getting lost in the snow.
My neighbor accidentally called me “love” in a text looking for his cat and now we have more reason to never make eye contact again.
I love the National Park Service.
me: can I get a job application
mcdonald’s manager: [handing me one] do you have experience
me: oh yeah I’ve filled out hundreds of these
OPTOMETRIST: Better or worse? Better or worse?
ME: You don’t *have* to talk during sex
[meeting my gf’s parents]
her: *quietly* don’t worry, my dad’s nice but he doesn’t say much[later]
her dad: I love my daughter very a lot
me: i see
me (when someone beats me in an online video game and says Good Game): wow rub it in much? not cool dude
me (when someone beats me in an online video game and doesn’t say Good Game): wow not even gonna be polite. not cool dude
When you’re married, it’s important for you both to work on keeping the magic alive and chained up in the basement where it can’t escape.
Tell me one musician who was born to ask permission to go online.
I’ll start: Kenny Loggins
[Giving my eulogy]
GIRLFRIEND: He was beloved for his many funny tweets, such as,
*Scrolling**Scrolling*
*Scrolling*
*Very slight chuckle*
*Scrolling*
Okay I actually don’t see any I like but he talked about it a lot, so I assume he was good.
“Londoners need to be more afraid”
Nah, we’re British, we only panic about a light snow or finding out we’re out of milk.
“Anyone can find the switch after the lights are on.”
– Confucius, who died in 479 BCE and was apparently also a time traveler
washing hands before coronavirus:
– turn on water
– quickly rinse fingertips
– look at soap
– turn off waterwashing hands after coronavirus:
– turn on water
– climb in sink
– cover entire body in soap
– take a few swigs of soap
– mind meld with soap
– you and soap are now one
Me: I invited Todd over for dinner.
Wife: Uncle Todd or Todd who takes things literally?
*Todd exits out the back door with our television*
Hiding an engagement ring in a hot dog is harder than you think
Whenever I get sick, I get my immune system drunk so it will fight anything.
Curiosity should start overthrowing the local government and drilling for oil any minute now.
I genuinely have no clue what other kids were doing during my childhood while I talked shit with the parents. my brother ran up to me one time and screamed “get your bike, we’re looking for frogs!”
are you insane? I’m trying to talk with Brent’s mom about her divorce.
Bro: Dude, is this YOUR Shakira CD???
Me: What? No….it’s my wife’s…..
Hips: No…. It’s his…
Me: Shut up Hips!
Gingerbread man: i’m just not cut out for this
Therapist: actually you absolutely are
4 YO: Mom, Can you help me open this?
Me: Yeah, in a minute
4 YO: Ok. Alexa, set a one minute timer
Rose: I’ll never let go
Jack: are you sure aboat that lol
Rose: wow you make a lot of puns, I never noticed before
Jack: does it give you a sinking feeling lmaoo
Rose: maybe you should let go
Me: I cleaned under the fridge and there were a bunch of Honey Nut Cheerios
Wife: How do you know they weren’t regular Cheerios???
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: *drinks water*
Laughed hysterically and said “Oh yes, please do” after the pizza shop guy asked if he could put the sauce in my box. I think I scared him.
If you were 8 yrs old when “red red wine” was released UB40 now
***BREAKING*** sneaky teens trying to buy booze severely misjudge their height – 300ft trenchcoat behemoth said to contain 57 people