Why are the people on soap operas always CEOs?
Nobody works at Walmart?
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[wife enters as I’m doing the worm] Wife: WTH are you doing? Me: It’s not what it looks like. Worm: Who the hell is she?!
At conference w/ teacher
Me:…what’s wrong with how 7yo spells states?
Teacher:(to 7yo) spell Ohio
7yo: Ohio, O-H-I-O, Ohio
Teacher: good, now spell Oklahoma
7yo: (sings) Oklahoma, O-K-L-A-H-O-M-A, Oklahoooooooma, YEAH!
Teacher:
Me: what? That’s how I learned it
#Dadlife
HER: can I take a quick peek at your privates?
SERGEANT: *looks into barracks* ok but most of them are asleep
This guy just told me I have beautiful eyes.
Well, he said they were pretty…
Ok, he said “Healthy & no change since your last visit.”
parenting hack: take your kids to the park then just leave them there. start a new life. be you. enjoy traveling again. make new friends that don’t care what color the cup or bowl is. you don’t need that negativity in your life. be free.
This day in history. 1634. The Irish House of Commons passed An Act for the Punishment for the Vice of Buggery, prodded so to speak to do so by Anglican bishop John Atherton who was later the first to be hanged for the crime.
When you go out with a couple on the brink of divorce.
How many times should you try starting your snowblower before you realize it’s not going to start? According to my neighbor it’s 458 times.
[gf falls asleep during a movie]
ME: aw
[i get a blanket]
ME: *hitting her w/ the blanket* wake up ur missing the part with gollum’s riddles
@brookeG105 @SwedishCanary @funTweeters @Mad_Humor
How do you know when you are too drunk to drive?
When you swerve to miss a tree and then realise it was your air freshener..
If I see someone stumble, catch themselves, & madly start looking about to see if anyone saw, I always make sure I make direct eye contact.
It’s hard eating this ramen with chopsticks. The broth keeps spilling on the steering wheel.
Limbo is the only sport where being really bad at it means you’re raising the bar.
I’m pretty confident I can perform this Appendectomy on myself.
Thanks YouTube
if your day doesn’t start with chasing your neighbors chickens out of your yard are you even living your best life?
[ad for milk]
give your Skeleton strength for the war to come
Use Angie’s List if you want a plumber to come over.
Use Craigslist if you want that plumber to come over with no pants.
Son: Did you know some birds mate for life?
Me: All birds mate for life. That’s the point, dummy.
I just pulled two buckets that were stuck together apart by myself, so someone might want to let the guy that recruits Avengers know.
Me: how long do you boil something to disinfect it
Her: idk google it
Me: can I use your phone, mine’s disinfecting
Her: *googling DIY annulment*
If you’re wondering what good can come from all of this, at least they’re now putting tamper seals on pizza boxes.
What do you mean “yogurt flavored”?! Yogurt is the stuff we have to add flavor to.
Me: I would like to summon my daughter and feel her presence once more.
Psychic: Okay. We ask for the daughter to come down and —
Daughter: I’M IN MY ROOM, MOM!
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
iPods will never teach kids to be ready to jump over sofas to push the “Rec” button on the tape deck when your song comes on.
There should be an app in which you enter how many rolls of toilet paper you have left and it calculates how much food you can eat.