Possum: They say all your spouses passed away under mysterious circumst– wait are those coon skin hats?
Raccoon: Those are just old wives tails
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My daughter just started a question with: So mom, you’ve been old for a really long time…
I don’t know what the rest of the question was, I stopped listening after “long time”
I’m as useless as the top two buttons on a Greek mans dress shirt.
[1868]
*forgets cup of coffee on top of horse*
I can’t wait for the government to shut down I have some scores to settle. Big time
Tell your household jumble of working & non working miscellaneous cables I said hi
I quit dating because I’m a germaphobe and also because my husband was getting annoyed
THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he objectifies women
ME: [trying to stuff bread into her armpit] toaster
Me – When did we get a porch light?
Wife – OK, drink time is over.
Me – Why?
Wife – That’s the moon.
Winnie the Pooh: will u marry me?
Piglet: for the last time, u don’t get a literal “honey” moon
Pooh: pls say yes I need to see for myself
Twitter should really come up with a “Temporarily hide user’s tweets until user gets their shit together” button.
A kid in the grocery store screamed “I’M COMING FOR YOU, CORNDOGS!” as his dad opened the freezer, and I felt jealous that he has a catchphrase at age 10.
ME: Tell me my future.
PALM READER: I see you going to prison for murder.
ME: Hah! Shows what you know! This isn’t even MY palm!
I’ve had my air fryer running for 197 continuous hours and I’ve got zero fried air to show for it.
If the salesman doesn’t come with me on the test drive, I just take the car home and wait for them to come get it. I have so many cars now.
I’m having an orange at work, and the dogs keep looking at me like, “stop eating that ball, dude.”
Me- owns 2 pairs of pants
My 8 month old, who has no where to go-
if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
I just accidentally dropped a bit of sausage on the floor and the dog immediately swooped in and hoovered it up, which amazed me because I had no idea she knew how to operate it.
Didn’t think the neighbors would notice the new bush, but this note asking me to wear pants suggests otherwise
The beatles purposefully wrote catchy songs to generate interest in their band
How do dragons blow out candles?
in lieu of flowers call my wife and pretend to be me from beyond the grave. my d.o.b. is 5/24 and my mom’s name is kathy.
her: can you put egg plant on the shopping list
me: *writes* ‘chicken’
According to the conductor, the train I’m currently on is going backwards to the previous station to “get a running start” up a hill, which feels like an idea I’d have if I was in charge of a train.
I am AWFUL at picking up if a woman is into me.
Even if one said, “I want to do you.” I’d respond, “What do you mean? Like an impression?”
Unfortunate story layout on Apple News this morning.
son: *holding acorn* what’s this?
me: a tree
son: really?
me: in a nutshell, yeah
[From Basement]: *scary murdery noise*
Me: oh shit
Me: *makes slightly more scary more murdery noise*
[From Basement]: Oh shit
You can totally cheat during board games with your kids if after 30 minutes, there is no end in sight. I’m looking at you Chutes and Ladders!
My kids have the tuition bills of the children of a much wealthier father.