Unless someone tries to take a kneecap out with a crowbar, I have no interest in watching the Olympics.
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Cashier at the liquor store wished me “Happy Holidays”…
As if I’m not going to be back three more times before Christmas.
MARRIAGE PROTIP – Guys, if you have a picture of your junk on your phone, you better be sure your wife has a copy of it on hers. Good talk.
a fun game to play at the zoo is to walk hurriedly past a person and say “they’ve escaped. don’t run. just walk very fast.”
Really, iTunes? You need to update my calculator app? Have there been changes to basic math that I’m unaware of?
Remember in the boardgame Life when you had kids and collected money? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
oh to be a cat surrounded by potatoes taking a nap using a carrot as a pillow
Next time your work asks why you’re calling out sick, tell them that you have the clap.
They won’t ask again.
Therapist: What’s the issue?
Me: They kicked me out of Fight Club
Therapist: You want to talk about it?
Me: That’s right
I used to be married, but I’m better now
Husband Bear: Honey! I’m home!
Wife Bear: For God’s sake, would you at LEAST say hello before demanding dinner?
PRIEST: *cry laughing
ME: I told you I was funny when I was drunk
MY FIANCÉ: Yeah…hi
I love the Olympics #OpeningCeremony. It reminds me of that time I had to run to the creek when my sleeve caught on fire.
When arguing, I let the other person speak first, then help them see my point by starting with, “Now, what I’m about to say is correct”
I don’t see the point of being a godmother if the kid refuses to kiss my ring. I mean, what the hell?
Pspspspsps works on people too, not just cats
whenever i see babies crying in movies, i feel so bad. but then i remember it’s just pretend. they’re acting. they’re professionals. they know what they’re doing
Me: [stands under majestic tree watching leaves fall] This is beautiful
[2 hours later buried under a mountain of leaves] you piece of shit
Just ate a Pop-Tart off of a real plate like some kind of goddamn oil magnate
IT guy just called to say “ok, you’re cute” I told him that’s sweet but I don’t actually date at work, he paused for a long time and said the application you asked me about? It’s queued.
I just walked into my bedroom and said to my husband, “I can’t believe you forgot what day today is,” then walked out and slammed the door.
what’s my dream career? the guy who bakes chickens and hides them in the walls in castlevania. next question
*Busts through Kool-aid mans wall*
Kool-aid man: Not cool. What I do is fake. This is our home
Me: I’m sorr…
*A sippy cup starts crying*
Damn gurl, are you a wildfire? Because you just took my breath away
Yelp review: Dating
You have to brush your hair and leave the house. Most places won’t let you bring your cat.
Would not recommend.
if it wasn’t for the internet, I wouldn’t even know the royal family exists outside of Bugs Bunny cartoons. Like when Yosemite Sam is a knight in a suit of armor and he does that pole vault into the side of the castle and he turns into a can of tuna? Man that’s pretty great.
*me looking in refrigerator*
freezer: hey buddy my ice are up here
help my (23M) fireflies (10,000) have unionized against me
How long can COVID live on breakdancing cardboard?
And can it be killed by sick moves?
Pro tip: smell the fragrant hand soap on your fingers while you’re in the restaurant’s restroom, not on your way back to the table.