My five-year-old daughters noisily broke into my office during class. I tried to scoop them out on my own but failed. Went to the door to call for help and THEY LOCKED THE DOOR BEHIND ME and had a five-minute conversation with my students while I rambled on about “consequences.”
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Why did the belt get arrested?
He held up pants.Please don’t block me.
I hate when people text me: “Call me.”
I’m gonna start calling people and when they answer, I’m gonna say: “Text me” And then hang up.
Always surround yourself with people who are successful, because people who are successful always have money to bail you out jail
Scavenger Hunt Party
Give your guests a list of all the things you can’t find and set them loose in your home.
The guy who cut me off then slammed on his brakes just got pulled over and I wasn’t expecting this level of joy today
11: what do you mean I can’t have more sugar today? I only had 2 cinnamon rolls this morning and you had 3.
me: first off – get out of my house.
you can fill a waterbed with gravy, no one even checks.
the dog is mad at me bc i wouldn’t let him eat sriracha off the ground and my feelings are hurt so no i don’t want children.
ME: *watching a meteor shower
METEOR: Can you get out of my bathroom.
*forgetting the name for christmas decorations*
please pass me the tree earrings
Elton John: Mars ain’t the kind of place to raise your kids
Elon Musk: *narrows eyes*
coward
[feeding baby Malaysian food]
“Here comes the plane”
*makes plane noises**spoon just disappears*
Flash mobs are so not what I thought. Now I’ve gotta go find my clothes.
Must. Not. Reply. To. That. Rhetorical. Question, Ahhh.
Ok, the temptation passed. You’re safe.
Marriage is wearing the same shirt for three days in a row and on the third day, your husband asking if you got a new shirt.
Wife: It’s sweltering in here. We need to get the AC fixed.
Me: Look at this gif, it’ll cool you down.
Wife: I forget, did you want to be buried or cremated?
My toddler won’t go to sleep so I gave her a big kiss and told her that I love her very much but a little less after 9pm. She thought this was hilarious and is currently in her room cracking up, while I’m sitting here wondering how much her therapy bills are gonna be
2020 was the worst escape room I’ve ever done.
It is truly easier to forgive your enemies than figure out how to limit their access to your facebook page.
I’d congratulate you on the birth of your first child, but I have 2 of my own so here’s a sympathy card and a case of wine.
If you heard twenty minutes of moaning from my bedroom that was just me trying to stand up.
Homeless dude asked me for $10. Thought it was greedy but realized that we were standing outside Whole Foods. Totally legitimate request.
Things that cause extreme panic:
– Accidentally liking a Tweet
– No milk
– Unknown numbers
– The question “you don’t remember me do you?”
All I want is for someone to push me up against a wall
Lean in
And whisper ‘I’ll do your housework’
interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: [seeing myself living in the woods, consumed by my own fears, writing a surreal manifesto] in marketing
[having sex]
Her: HARDER!
ME: Divide 110 into two parts so that one will be 150% of the other. What are the 2 numbers?
Her: 44&66 HARDER!
There are 70,000 Jehovah’s Witnesses in Melbourne for a conference. So I’ll be answering the door naked this weekend.
DAD: wat am i chopped liver
CHOPPED LIVER: [in this joke imagine choped liver is a sentiemt being] wat the hell is that suposed to mean phil
Friend: Will we be hearing the patter of tiny feet soon?
Me: *grabbing her arm too hard* You know about my squirell army
I know I’m getting older because I need more and more help from my teen to complete the People magazine crossword puzzle.