[if my cat tweeted]
When “over 38” is sad and missing her boyfriend, I try and cheer her up by peeing on her shoes and puking on her phone.
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My daughter keeps saying there’s no such thing as a mistake in the kitchen, which is just so adorably wrong.
Um, so you’re god’s gift to women? So was Jesus…look what happened to him.
You may want to rethink that.
I set out a suitcase to pack for my flight later today and spotted my 3 year old crawling inside it to hide. I casually zipped it up, yelled “I’M OFF TO THE AIRPORT, EVERYBODY!”, and carried it to the car. I’ve circled the block twice and my luggage hasn’t stopped laughing.
Naming my first daughter Piggleigh Wiggleigh.
No
one
yums like Gaston
Eats iced plums like Gaston
Knows you saved them but craves them, succumbs like Gaston
Me: *sobbing* I’m a mess without you
Him: Ma’am pull around to the window, you’ll get your donuts in a minute
Nothing prepares you for how difficult it is to obtain a loan for a giraffe
Considering they were routinely burned alive, a coven is a pretty unfortunate name for a collection of witches.
Neat! according to this Walgreens blood pressure monitor, i should have died in 1998
Oh, you like Five Guys hamburgers more than In-N-Out?
*unfollows
*blocks
*stews
*hires assassin on Craigslist
*unblocks to monitor situation
The only thing that could have made Coyote Ugly better would have been a few ceiling fans.
[airport security]
wife: *fidgeting with wedding ring*
me: *emptying my cargo shorts pockets*
tsa agent:
tsa agent: why so many gameboys
Everyone thinks their kids are normal until you’re leaving instructions for a sitter and you’re like, “do not open the applesauce pouch all the way- open it halfway, hand it to him, and back away slowly. Also he has to sleep with 3 pacifiers and Lightning McQueen.”
the stickiest of King Arthur’s knights was Sir Up
Her: Undress me with your words…
Me: I saw a spider in your bra.
Having no clue about human anatomy is my Achilles Elbow.
ME: *so high I’m screaming*
WIFE: I told you to just call someone to clean the gutters!
Have your children help with daily chores if you want them to gain confidence and self efficacy also if want to accomplish nothing and go clinically insane.
My daughter wrote a poem in school about where’s she’s from and she wrote I come from my siblings and I being called tiny dancers and children of the corn so I’ll just be outside waiting for cps.
Using my teeth to open the pack of hot dogs I brought for my inflight snack
*slams a five on the counter*
“Bartender! Give me another!”
*bartender pours me another bowl of Cinnamon Toast Crunch*
Being an adult is way worse than being a kid. No matter how good I do at work no one ever takes me out for ice cream after
I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
Let’s get married and have kids, so we can have mini versions of ourselves do that annoying thing that our spouse does but louder.
Twilight is the literary World War I: you thought this was as bad as it could get, but then WWII/Fifty Shades happened.
[after sleeping in a slightly different position] I have gathered you all here to read my last will and testament…
ME: it’s 69 degrees in france
FRIEND: nice
ME: no paris
@Mister_Gravity @OwensDamien @funTweeters Sssshhhhh, they haven’t noticed thus far, don’t screw it up for everyone…
Be careful when you follow the masses sometimes the M is silent
airports should have little side-quests available for ppl stuck in a layover