me: [flicking through memory book] aww and this is my first pet, hammy the hamster
gf: you know you could have just taken a photo
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I’ll be like “I’m just gonna go take a quick look around the bookstore” and come back weeks later in flowing white robes having defeated a Balrog
“We can’t hire you. We’re trying to get more diverse”
ME: But I’m Hispanic
[A bear walks in wearing a fresh Hooters outfit]
ME: Aw man
As 2021 closes, I am reminded of a saying.
Time flies like an arrow…
But fruit flies like a banana.
I am *this* close to adopting a bunch of cats and opening a bed & breakfast called HairBnB.
I have AirPods now, the next step is somehow staying rich and staying humble
People:
I’m leaving Twitter, no telling when I’m coming ba…
I’m back.
[at fancy-dress party shouting over all the barking]
“YOU NEED TO LEAVE”
me dressed as a giant vacuum cleaner: “I DIDNT KNOW YOU HAD 6 DOGS”
I shouldn’t be laughing probably but that is hilarious
I’m brave but not just grab any shampoo off the store shelf without smelling it before buying it brave.
What about a Hallmark movie where a country farmer with a heart of gold visits family in the big city and finds cheap lust and superficial thrills in the arms of a steely and powerful businesswoman?
This is my favorite Twitter interaction ever.
Me: I can’t wait to get naked and be inside you!
Sleeping bag salesman: ….. so did I mention there’s a non-return policy on those?
Everyone loves their weighted blankets and talks about loving feeling all wrapped up but as soon as I mention wearing socks to bed everyone’s like noo I don’t want to feel constricted my feet must be freee
Wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
Me: no, is he any good?
In the 2020 Little Mermaid, Ariel decides to stay underwater.
my kid learned what money was today at 9 am and by noon he was ready to stab me over 27 cents
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
*goes to get phone out of car
*sees car has been stolen
*finds phone in back pocket
OH THANK GOD
My aunt called & asked “is your house near the fires?”
My cousins called & asked “are the fires threatening your house?”
My dad called & asked “what’s my damn iTunes password again?”
Raised and lowered my arm today so my Fitbit will stop alerting people that I’m dead.
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
The only thing worse than thinking of what to make for dinner is then having to cook it.
I think she is an organ harvester 🤔🤔 #tinder #tinderindia
“FOR [sound of robot-computer meltdown/Buckethead noise] PRESS 1
FOR [feint but audible screams of someone being chased in woods] PRESS 2”
My husband talked me into cutting his hair and he thinks I did an amazing job.
Apparently it hasn’t occurred to him to take a look at the back.
BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: omg, yay.
BOWIE: Just for one day.
ME: I actua—I think it’s gonna take longer than that.
BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: No, I get that. It’s jus—it’s a length issue.
BOWIE: Forever and ever.
ME: I don’t…*rubbing temples* something between those, maybe?
“Try to be more socially interactive”, they said
“Engage with the wider community”, they said
“You have the right to remain silent”, they said
Meteorologist has to be the easiest job in the world. Just keep predicting no meteors will hit us and the first time you’re wrong everyone’s dead anyway
Kanye West builds a time machine so he can interrupt himself interrupting Taylor Swift.
Please tell me there’s a veterinary text on ruminants called Graze Anatomy