What do you want to be when you grow up?
other kids: firefighter, doctor, scientist…
my 9yo: I’m gonna sell my Pokémon cards on the streets of New York.
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I’m just a boy, standing in front of the toilet paper aisle, trying to decide whether I want to wipe with a pillow, a cloud, or a kitten.
Is it me or do the unread books in the bookstore just seem shinier than the unread books at home?
the mother-in-law left yesterday.
this month has been the longest two years of my life.
Me: it’s better to give than to receive.
Daughter: what about my enemies?
Me: d-do you have any enemies?
Daughter: not anymore.
Me: what does that mean?
Daughter:
Me: you’re only two! what does that mean?
*waving arms wildly* holy shit whose arms are these?!
At what age does Ryan Gosling have to change his name to Ryan Goose
Want to lose weight for the Summer? Don’t worry, simply check-in your bags here. That’s 23 kilos you’ll never see again.
“If you’re pregnant you can’t get pregnant, the same goes for getting arrested, can you lick this?”
I ask, trying to roll a joint in cuffs.
ME: Everyone has a soul and since souls are actually ghosts, technically we’re all haunted
ANESTHESIOLOGIST, TO THE SURGEON: I seriously don’t know how she woke up
for my next trick i will fall asleep 15 minutes into the movie i begged us to watch
ALIEN: You Earthlings have many technological advances. How do you predict the weather?
ME: We pull a rodent out of a box.
Doctors, soldiers, firefighters. These are all respected positions. But the position I respect most as a parent
Is a driver’s Ed instructor
Someone rang my doorbell twice this morning, so I guess I’m having lunch behind the couch.
Due to an unforeseen error during last night’s love making session I am forced to wear non matching socks today
I use the yellow colored emojis. My wife uses the flesh colored ones. Somehow we make things work.
If you startle me, I blow up like a puffer fish and roll away.
My kids still haven’t started school yet and I can’t wait to get them out of my house I mean get their education started.
A xenophobe eh? I’m scared of the warrior princess too but I wouldn’t call it a phobia.
Sometimes I think my dog wishes he had a middle finger.
“Do you need help with your math homework Billy?”
“Yeah I sure do Dad!”
“Well you’re shit out of luck”
6’5″ guy: [starts a fight with me at the bar]
me: [hides behind GF]
GF: HEY, WHAT THE F-
me: look, we need more strong female lead char-
[in bed]
Him: What are you thinking?
Me: (blushing) I don’t wanna say
Him: You can tell me
Me: I wish I knew more about campaign finance law
“they arent wearing seatbelts” – my mom watching a car chase scene in any action movie
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: heavy-handed product placement
professor kfc: that’s finger lickin’ good
13yo Jesus: You’re not my real dad! I HATE YOU!
Joseph: One of these days boy, I’ll— [distant thunder] I’ll do nothing. Absolutely nothing.
[at the grocery store] yes i would like one grocery please
Me: I’d like to get this prescription filled
Pharmacist: This is a recipe for chicken marsala
Me: What time should I pick that up?
Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”
i named my son “max” after hbo max, what am i gonna tell him in five years? it’s been hard enough already with his sister quibi