I think the least the government could do right now is cancel calories, do they even understand how much cheese is needed daily to eat one’s feelings
You Might Also Like
Sometimes i spread newspaper out on the floor and then lay down on it and pretend i’m fish n’ chips
I like to impress a first date by pulling never ending toilet paper out of my bra like a magician.
What’s a second date like?
Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
Me realizing i have no idea what my friend just said:
My brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itMe: That’s crazy
Before NASA sent Curiosity, Mars was bustling with cats.
I’ve been getting some anonymous fortune cookies from an angry American — and I think it’s time to give props for creativity…
Must. Not. Reply. To. That. Rhetorical. Question, Ahhh.
Ok, the temptation passed. You’re safe.
Who else is self quarantining alone? I’m this close to naming a volleyball.
*googles how the hell I ended up here*
Just read that the average woman goes on 7 diets in her lifetime and I was like “wtf” because I’ve been on 7 diets since lunch.
“Have you seen my dog? He drove away from home…”
Being rude underwater is snarkeling
If I don’t win Mega Millions tonight, I’m going to have to mend a lot of fences tomorrow.
what if I told you big orthopedics is responsible for the crate challenge
Just think, if Aristotle would have been a cow, today we’d all be studying meadowphysics.
Every app is fighting for their life with push notifications and growth hacks, meanwhile wordle is right there having us do our daily pilgrimage to a mobile website
“HEY ATHLETES WITHOUT MONEY FOR TRAINING FACILITIES OR PROPER UNIFORMS, Y U NO WIN GOLD MEDALS?” – Indians
My daughter now associates height with age and refuses to believe I could be older than someone that’s 5’5”
New App Matches You With Others In Vicinity Who Wasted $2.99 On Same App
Last Halloween I had to explain to everyone that I was not a ghost with a boner, but I was just a ghost and I happened to have a boner.
Little does the bus driver know, that “I love you” I shout after my kids every morning is for him too.
Doctor: are u high?
Me: no, why?
D: bc ur dressed like Batman
M: well maybe Batman dresses like me
D:…
M: alright yea im a lil high
When I get to somebody’s house, I text them, because knocking on doors is for poor people.
“Check, please!” – Me, at a restaurant begging the waiter to make sure there are no monsters under the table
Don’t buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery
Mom u can stop cutting the crust off my bread now im in a gang
*Quietly opens a bag of chips during a job interview
My kid’s preschool has us practicing Christmas program songs in September so if you see me in October walking around looking like a hot mess mumbling Christmas lyrics just hand me alcohol or put me out of my misery
He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.
You don’t need to worry about being attacked by a shark anymore. I just threw a toaster in the ocean.