Sci-Fi Author: In my book I invented the Torment Nexus as a cautionary tale
Tech Company: At long last, we have created the Torment Nexus from classic sci-fi novel Don’t Create The Torment Nexus
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*pretends to get an urgent text so I can turn around after I notice I’m walking in the wrong direction*
*guy getting eaten by a shark*
Guy: I just wanted to say I’m Vegan.
Shark, spitting him out: Wtf man. I had you in my mouth & everything.
I was fired from my job as hotel front desk manager for yelling “Get a room!” to every couple that entered the hotel.
I have 15,000 pencils, but I don’t remember buying any. Also, I don’t have a pencil sharpener, so none of them work.
German shepherd? I think we adopted a kangaroo.
The great thing about having a mouse in your house is that I’m sure it’s just the one mouse probably.
I stopped to tie my shoe at the airport and someone reported me as an unattended bag.
[11am]
Me: oh look, it’s sunny out.
Me: I should go running.
Me: or swimming!
Me: these Doritos are delicious.
My 7yo was taking pics of her sister, and I said, “oh isn’t she pretty” but 7 responded, “no she’s a suspect.”
“i miss shittin on people”
Love when a cop car pulls up alongside of me and I start thinking of every bad thing I’ve ever done.
INTERVIEWER: Tell me one of your weaknesses.
ME: I sometimes mistake professional behavior for flirting.
INTERVIEWER: There is zero chance we’d ever hire someone with that issue.
ME: Listen, I’m flattered, but I’m married.
I know a kid who throws her dress over her head to “disappear.” Sadly, it does not have the same effect when I do it.
I have the flu. And as a parent, that means absolutely nothing about my day changes.
I hate when I’m on the treadmill and my hand accidentally hits the stop button & I have to get off and eat a bacon grilled cheese sandwich.
Do not believe the promises made during foreplay!!
If someone wants to spend time with you, they’ll let you know. Get rid of those people
I pack underwear as if I plan to shit myself for 40 days and nights
Accidentally searched “how fast does a stool softener work” in the Zoom chat.
finally caved and watched tiger king. shit is bananas. the uncle killed the dad while the kid watched, then the kid ran away and hung out with a warthog and a meerkat for years? then he hallucinated his dad talking to him from the sky? weird
Him: you know, a baby deliverer…
Me: you mean my OBGYN or the stork?
People this one of the best days ever (next to the time with the guy in a van) @funTweeters is now following me- suck it Dane Cook
Why is my life so hard?!!
~Me, trying to open a jar .
Wife : A jogger was murdered in the park last night.
Me : Well that’s all the motivation I need. *Goes for a jog in the park*
*brings elephant to knife fight
*nobody talks about it
*Tries to get makeup off*
Makeup: I have a boyfriend.
Everyone: Look at all of those red flags.
Me: Red is the color of love tho.
*Abandons ship*
*Ship gets adopted*
*Tracks down ship in adulthood*
*Ship is happy and wants nothing to do with me*