Cleaned out my kid’s backpack and found everything I’ve been missing since 1990
You Might Also Like
i did the math
Who taught this was a good idea? The backbreaker.
curiouse george 2: 2 fast 2 curious
My daughter has created a new game show where she puts her shoes all over the house and then asks us where they are
I have a crush on my chiropractor which makes perfect sense since I tend to fall for men who hurt me and then take my money.
“I can’t find this book on the shelf.”
“I’m sorry, it looks like we don’t have that book in the library system.”
“But you had this book five years ago!”
“Sir, I had so many things five years ago.”
when no one is looking, squirrels use donuts as hula hoops
how dare the girl i spent one day with in berlin 2 years ago unfollow me on instagram
A lot of people are mad that I broke into the zoo and dyed all the bears white. It’s polarizing.
Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.
My kid woke me up at 3AM to tell me there’s a monster in her bed and I just can’t wait to tell my wife what my kid called her.
My favourite part of the Bible is the hollowed-out section I keep my drugs in.
[After 20 min at your house]
I used all your toilet paper
“Check in the cabine-”
All of it
“We have more in the gar-”
All of it all of it
Either you die or it’s a good trampoline. There’s no in-between.
My father still likes to tell the story about the argument he won with my mother in 1971.
*waking up from a nightmare* okay no this is worse
It’s been a couple of weeks, and the new neighbours have not yet mentioned the inflatable dinosaur in my window.
me: [nervously] how often do these things crash
flight attendant: just once usually
My life is a rollercoaster. There’s a lot of sitting down and screaming.
I got a message on Facebook that said, “Your a lawyer, right?”
Me, “*You’re.”
May have lost a new client but they learned something today.
[texting]
you mean the wolf to me
-wolf?
ha! autocorrect fail!
-lol
what i meant to say was…you’re a mean wolf to me
Of course my summer body is ready, it’s the same as my winter body but sweatier.
I honestly just want Kanye to crash everything, like show up at weddings & to the bride be like you look nice, but your maid of honor has one of the best dresses of all time
*middle of the gang rumble
Me: Time out, TIME OUT! My mom’s calling, everyone be quiet for a second
On the phone with my therapist and she is clearly going through the McDonalds drive through 😓
I was at an outdoor cafe in Chicago when two tiny beetles started having sex on my table, in broad daylight, like it was no big deal. That town is going to hell.
I don’t understand the expression “on the lamb.” If you’re running away, wouldn’t you choose a faster mount?
You think you’re cool and then you see a video of yourself running.
While hiking last May, a lesbian deer told me she’s unsure of her sexual preference. Not a gay doe’s bi that I don’t think about it.