The iPhone 6 looks pretty cool, but it still lets people leave voicemails, so they apparently haven’t worked out all the bugs yet.
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This is my brand.
They’re really bad with fonts.
[first date]
Date: tell me something you’re were really good at as a kid.
Me: spelling bee.
Date: oh nice! do you still got it?
Me: b-e-e.
My closet is like 15 shirts I plan to fit into again and 1 shirt I wear every day.
I hate it when I go to clean my daughters room & I emerge 3 hours later having just finished a delightful tea party with a giraffe & a pony.
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
Me: In relationships, listening and communicating are key.
Husband: Did you check the counter? Maybe your purse? You’re always losing things.
Me: This is nice.
I walk into the office for my new job and this is the first thing I see
*discretely picks a booger*
*slyly wipes it on her blouse*
Funeral Director: Sir, we can see you and narrating it just makes it worse.
“If I eat my arm, I can’t technically gain any weight” – my thought process after only 5 days of dieting.
I’m doomed.
Side Effects May Include: upset stomach, diarrhea, a tail, some hooves, ok so you might turn into a horse
I gotta say, I’ve never been in an Uber with red and blue lights!
Also, I don’t remember calling for one…
“weighing in at 129 lbs, here to throw down in a gown, to slay with a bouquet-”
(Bride walks down the aisle, upset I mentioned her weight)
I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.
MY CAT (checking her watch urgently): 3:30am? oh heavens I was almost late for parkouring loudly about the house
4 thinks the lead singer of Queen was Freddie Macaroni and he won’t be taking any further questions on this
RAN INTO A COWORKER AT TARGET. DIDN’T WANT HER TO KNOW I WAS BUYING BABY CLOTHES FOR MY CAT SO I TOLD HER I’M PREGNANT
i want that job where u push scared skydivers out of the plane
I totally just realized that Dora the Explorer and Vlad the Impaler have the same middle name
Just got a paper cut on my webbing so you guys go ahead without me. It’s been fun.
*First Date
Her: Why are we at Home Depot?
Me: I wanted to see what it’s like to pick out bathroom tile with you. See if this is worth it.
Why is every haunted place a spooky old house or hotel? If a tragedy occurring at a location leads to a haunting, every Waffle House and bus station in the world would be teeming with spirits.
During childbirth the pain is so great that a woman almost knows what it’s like for a man to have the flu.
Gonna install a mirror inside my fridge so that every time I open it to look for a snack, it’s always there.
Someone asked me what I was doing this weekend and I panicked at the thought of making plans so I said I was doing my taxes
N V B K I T H E K L O P F
I N V E N T O R Z S F O F
T H E E F G H J I O L P L
Y Q W O R D S E A R C H
H A S J P O D I E D G W
if you write “keep it together, man” without the comma you end up creating a new superhero named “keep it together man” and frankly if there’s one guy we need right now it’s him.
I just ate my weight in baked potatoes so if anyone has been thinking about robbing my house, now is the time to do it. I’m not moving anytime soon.
Her: Well, I don’t want to look a gift horse in the mouth…
Me: Then don’t floss in a mirror.